US Fears Russian Problem in Kosovo

By ROBERT BURNS

June 14, 1999

WASHINGTON (AP) - U.S. officials are concerned that confusion over Russia's role in postwar Kosovo could undermine NATO's effort to take an evenhanded approach to emptying the province of Serb troops and securing the return of ethnic Albanian refugees to their shattered villages.

NATO's plan, based on Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic's agreement to withdraw his military and allow an international force into Kosovo as peacekeepers, now must be adjusted to account for Russia's surprise decision to put troops into Kosovo without coordinating with the Western alliance.

``We have to make sure that this agreement stands, and it cannot stand if there is going to be a posture struck by the Russians that they are there to defend the Serb population against the Kosovars,'' Defense Secretary William Cohen said Sunday.

Russia has traditional ties to the Serbs, who are a minority in Kosovo. The ethnic Albanians in the province endured months of violent expulsions by Serb army troops and special police, resulting in hundreds of thousands fleeing into neighboring Macedonia and Albania, where they await NATO's signal to return.

Cohen and other Clinton administration officials said they welcome Russian participation in the peacekeeping force for Kosovo, known as KFOR, but they stressed that the Russians must not act unilaterally.

``If they are part of (KFOR), then we can manage whatever their affections or affiliations might be with the Serbs,'' Cohen said on CNN's ``Late Edition.'' He said the administration was surprised and disappointed the Russian troops entered Kosovo ahead of NATO despite an agreement not to.

Cohen and other administration officials spoke optimistically of resolving the Russia issue. They reported progress on an arrangement that would allow the Russian military to play a peacekeeping role without undermining NATO control, possibly using the Bosnia peacekeeping operation as a model.

President Clinton and Russian President Boris Yeltsin, in an hour-long telephone conversation Sunday, agreed their generals should work out a role for the first 200 or so Russian troops that already are in Kosovo while talks continue on command arrangements for a larger Russian contingent, White House spokesman Mike Hammer said.

The lead Russian troops arrived Saturday in the Kosovo capital of Pristina ahead of alliance forces. On Sunday, the Russians blocked NATO from reinforcing British troops at the airport.

In Moscow, Deputy Secretary of State Strobe Talbott said the United States was considering giving the Russians ``a zone of responsibility'' under NATO command. After a third day of talks Sunday, Talbott left for Washington.

An administration official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said U.S. and Russian officials had worked out a ``framework'' for agreement that would enable the Russian troops to participate in Kosovo. Details were still being negotiated.

Clinton and Yeltsin planned to talk again today.

The first of about 400 American paratroopers from the 82nd Airborne Division crossed into Kosovo from Macedonia to join the peacekeeping operation Sunday, accompanied by tanks and Bradley armored vehicles, Pentagon officials said.

Marines entered Kosovo this morning, with the U.S. contingent eventually totaling 7,000 of the 50,000 NATO peacekeepers.

U.S. forces will patrol a section of southeastern Kosovo. Other sections will be under the control of NATO members Germany, Italy, France and Britain.

The Russians had not yet accepted NATO's basic requirement for a single command, Cohen said. But he was optimistic an arrangement would be made, perhaps similar to the one used by Russia and NATO in Bosnia. Russian troops in Bosnia are integrated with NATO forces but take orders from a Russian officer.

Vice President Al Gore told CBS Radio on Sunday "it would be a mistake to overdramatize'' the Russia problem, but he conceded that it was a "`step back'' on Russia's path to democracy.

"Russia's going through a period of change right now and as you know there are differing voices inside Moscow,'' Gore said. "Overall, they're in a pattern that is best described by the old clichИ, 'One step forward, two steps back.' Of course, when they take the one step back, that always causes concern.''

As NATO troops moved into Kosovo, Serb forces continued to leave under the terms of an agreement reached last week. Secretary of State Madeleine Albright said on NBC's "Meet the Press'' that some 11,000 Serb army and police personnel had left Kosovo - about one-fourth of the estimated 40,000 that were there last week.

All Serb forces are to be gone by next Sunday.

C

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.
1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up, pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you, can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically, the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left... Now, look again..... It now says: "HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career.

"I did 30 years in the Corps," the Marine declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.

"As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire.

"Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razorgrass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

"Ah," said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, "all shore duty, huh?"

Two little boys were watching a dog clean himself.

They watched him for quite awhile until finally one of the boys said, "I wish I could do that."

The other little boy said, "He'd bite you."

A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place.

Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.

So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too.

When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.

Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too.

Then the preacher said some words that he didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.

After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: "I take it you don't speak Spanish."

The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"

"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

A man was complaining to his friends about his visiting father-in-law. "I didn't mind when he wore my clothes, smoked my cigars, drank my whiskey, and drove my car. But when he sits at the dinner table and laughs at me with my own teeth, that's too much."

Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training.

Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"

The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.

About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"

His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't THINK so."

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. These two boys filled up a bucket of nuts and sat down by the tree. Out of sight, they started dividing up the nuts. "One for you and one for me." A couple of the nuts rolled towards the fence.

A third little boy was cycling down the road. He hears voices and decided to investigate. He heard the "One for you and one for me" comments. He knew immediately what it was. "Oh my God, Satan and St. Peter are dividing souls at the cemetery!"

He cycled on down the road until he found an old man hobbling along with a cane. He pleaded with the old man to come listen to the voices. The old man shooed him away. "Boy, can't you see I'm having trouble walking as it is now?"

But the boy wouldn't let up. So the old man hobbled down to the fence and heard the "one for you and one for me."

"Oh my," said the old man, "it IS the Devil and St. Peter divvying up those souls!" He turned to the boy. "Let's see if we can see them!" They edged towards the fence, still unable to see anything, but heard finally, "and one for you and one for me. Now, let's get those two nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

The old man beat the boy to town by fifteen minutes.

Just about everyone has heard the phrase Stanley supposedly said upon finally locating the man he had searched for through most of Africa: "Doctor Livingstone, I presume."I'll bet y'all don't know the good doctor's reply though: "Do you have an appointment?"

A farmer in his pickup truck in Alabama was driving across a bridge when he noticed a man standing on the rail of the bridge ready to jump to his death in the river below. The man stopped his truck ran up to the man and said, "Hey fellow, why are you doing this?" The man replied, "Well, I have nothing to live for."

The Alabama man replied, "Well, think of your wife and children!" The jumper replied, "I have no wife or children."

The Alabama man then said, "Well, then think of your mother and father!"

The man replied, "Mom and Dad passed on many years back."

The Alabama man then said, "Well, think of General Robert E. Lee!"

The would-be jumper replied, "Who?"

With that the Alabama man said, "Jump, you stupid Yankee, jump!"

Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.

She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to suppertime. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father’s old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down." So he did!

The straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!"

The stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down!" And he did!

So, the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said "Let us in!

"The wolf just blew down our houses and we're scared!" So the brick pig let them in. The wolf caught up with them and said "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down."

While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend. A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black stretch limousine drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pinstriped suits and fedoras. These huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to beat the crap out of him. One of them pulled out a gun and fired into the wolf's mouth. Then they got back into their limo and drove off, leaving the wolf dead on the street.

The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed! They asked the brick pig, "Who the hell were those guys?"

And the brick pig said, "Oh, those are my cousins, the Guinea Pigs."

A Dead Engineer

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

The Smart Farmers

There were two farmers, neither one had much common sense. They were told by the Forman to put the mule in the barn.

When they led the mule over to the barn, they decided that the mule's ears were to long and he would not fit into the barn. So they put their heads together and decided to get a ladder and a saw and saw the overhead of the barn out so the mule could walk right on in the barn.

They began their job and the Forman walked over to them and asked them why they were sawing out the top of the barn. When they told the Forman the mule's ears were too long to go into the barn, the Forman said:

why don't you just get a shovel and dig the dirt out of the ground below, then the mule could walk on in"

The two half smarts looked at each other and said " we told you his "ears" are too long, not his feet!

Is that you Fred?

We recently moved to a new city and went to our first football game. We arrived early and found our seats.

Not long afterwards, a neurotic young fellow came in and sat just in front of us.

A short time later, we heard from far behind us someone yell "Hey Fred!"

The nervous young man jumped up and scanned the crowd. Apparently seeing no one he knew, he sat back down.

A few moments later, we heard some behind us yell "Hey Fred!" Again the young man jumped up and scanned the crowd. Still seeing no one he knew, he uneasily sat back down.

After several rounds of this, the man began mumbling to himself. After each additional time, the mumbling became more frantic.

Finally, hearing again the call of "Hey Fred!" The man leapt to his feet and screamed to the crowd,

"DARNIT, MY NAME'S NOT FRED!!!"