Programming a Man to Say Yes

I first became conscious of this process when my wife asked me to buy some milk at the store when I was on my way to bed. I remember grumbling out loud. Instead of arguing with me, she just listened, assuming that eventually I would do it. Then finally I made a few banging noises on my way out, got in my car, and went to the store. Then something happened, something that happens to all men, something that women don't know about. As I now moved closer to my new goal, the milk, my grumbles went away. I started feeling my love for my wife and my willingness to support. I started feeling like the good guy. Believe me, I liked that feeling. By the time I was in the store, I was happy to be getting the milk. When my hand reached the bottle, I had achieved my new goal. Achievement always makes men feel good. I playfully picked up the bottle in my right hand and turned around with a look of pride that said "Hey. look at me. I'm getting the milk for my wife. I go to the store and get some milk."

In his response, he says "Oh, I'm really tired, I want to go to bed." Instead of immediately letting him off the hook by saying "OK," say nothing. Stand there and accept that he is resisting your request. By not resisting his resistance there is a much greater chance he will say yes. The art of assertive asking is to remain silent after you have made a request. After you have asked, expect him to moan, groan, scowl, growl, mumble, and grumble. I call the resistance men have to responding to requests the grumbles. The more focused a man is at the time, the more he will grumble. His grumbles have nothing to do with his willingness to support; they are a symptom of how focused he is at the time when asked. A woman will generally misinterpret a man's grumbles. She mistakenly assumes that he is unwilling to fulfill her request. This is not the case. His grumbles are a sign that he is in the process of considering her request. If he was not considering her request then he would very calmly say no. When a man grumbles it is a good sign, he is trying to consider your request versus his needs. He will go through internal resistance at shifting his direction from what he's focusing on to your request. Like opening a door with rusty hinges, the man will make unusual noises. By ignoring his grumbles they quickly go away. Often when a man grumbles he is in the process of saying yes to your request. Because most women misunderstand this reaction, they either avoid asking him for support or they take it personally and reject him in return.

In our example, where he is headed for bed and you ask him to go to the store for milk, he is likely to grumble. "I'm tired," he says with an annoyed look. "I want to go to bed." If you misunderstand his response as a rejection, you might say:

• "I don't ask you for much."

• "It will only take you fifteen minutes."

• "I feel disappointed. This really hurts my feelings."

• "You mean you won't do this for me."

• "Why can't you do it?"

You get the idea. When he grumbles, she feels the urge to defend her request and mistakenly breaks her silence. She argues with her partner in an attempt to convince him that he should do it. Whether he does it or not, he will be more resistant next time she asks for his support. To give him a chance to fulfill your requests, ask and pause. Let him grumble and say things. Just listen. Eventually he will say yes. Don't mistakenly believe that he will hold this against you. He can't and won't hold it against you as long as you don't insist or argue with him. Even if he walks off grumbling, he will let go of it, if both of you feel it is his choice to do or not to do it. Sometimes, however, he may not say yes. Or he may try to argue his way out by asking you some questions. Be careful. During your pause he may ask questions like:

* "Why can't you do it?"

* "I really don't have time. Would you do it?"

* "I am busy, I don't have time. What are you doing?"

Sometimes these are just rhetorical questions. So you can remain quiet. Don't speak unless it is clear that he is really looking for an answer. If he wants an answer, give him one, but be very brief, and then ask again. Assertive asking means asking with a sense of confidence and trust that he will support you if he can. If he questions you or says no, then respond with a brief answer.

When I returned with the milk, she was happy to see me. She gave me a big hug and said, "Thank you so much. I'm so glad I didn't have to get dressed." If she had ignored me, I probably would have resented her. Next time she asked me to buy the milk I would have probably grumbled even more. But she didn't ignore me, she gave me lots of love. I watched my reaction and heard myself think, what a wonderful wife I have. Even after I was so resistant and grumbly, she is still appreciating me. The next time she asked me to buy the milk, I grumbled less. When I returned she was again appreciative. The third time, automatically I said, "Sure." Then a week later, I noticed that she was low on milk. I offered to get it. She said she was already going to the store. To my surprise a part of me was disappointed! I wanted to get the milk. Her love had programmed me to say yes. Even to this day whenever she asks me to go to the store and get milk a part of me happily says yes.

I personally experienced this inner transformation. Her acceptance of my grumbles and appreciation of me when I returned healed my resistance. From that time on, as she practiced assertive asking, it was much easier for me to respond to her requests.

The Pregnant Pause

One of the key elements of assertive asking is to remain silent after you have asked for support. Allow your partner to work through their resistance. Be careful not to disapprove of his grumbles. As long as you pause and remain silent, you have the possibility of getting his support. If you break the silence you lose your power. Women unknowingly break the silence and lose their power by making comments like:

* "Oh, forget it."

* "I can't believe you are saying no. I do so much for you."

This is how things should go:

"I don't have time. Can't you do it?" "I'm also rushed. Would you please do it?" Then remain silent again. "No, I don't want to do that." "I would really appreciate it. Will you please do it for me?" Then remain silent again. "I'm busy, what are you doing?" "I'm busy too. Will you please do it?" Then remain silent again. "No, I don't feel like It." "I don't feel like it either. Would you please do it?" Then remain silent again.

Notice that she is not trying to convince him but is simply, matching his resistance. If he is tired, don't try to prove that you are more tired and therefore he should help you. Or if he thinks he is too busy don't try to convince him that you are more busy. Avoid giving him reasons why he should do it. Remember, you are just asking and not demanding. If he continues to resist then. practice step two and graciously accept his rejection. This is not the time to share how disappointed you are. Be assured that if you can let go at this time, he will remember how loving you were and be more willing to support you next time.

As you progress you will experience greater success in asking for and getting his support. Even if you are practicing the pregnant pause of step three, it is still necessary to continue practicing steps one and two. It is always important that you continue to ask correctly for the little things as well as graciously accept his rejections.

WHY MEN ARE SO SENSITIVE

You may be asking yourself why men are so sensitive about being asked for support. It is not because men are lazy but because men have so much need to feel accepted. Any request to be more or to give more might instead give the message that he is not accepted just the way he is. Just as a woman is more sensitive about being heard and feeling understood when she is sharing her feelings, a man is more sensitive about being accepted just the way he is. Any attempt to improve him makes him feel as though you are trying to change him because he is not good enough. On Mars, the motto is "Don't fix it unless it is broken." When a man feels a woman wanting more, and that she is trying to change him, he receives the message that she feels he is broken; naturally he doesn't feel loved just the way he is. By learning the art of asking for support, your relationships will gradually become greatly enriched. As you are able to receive more of the love and support you need, your partner will also naturally be quite happy. Men are happiest when they feel they have succeeded in fulfilling the people they care about. By learning to ask correctly for support you not only help your man feel more loved but also ensure you'll get the love you need and deserve. In the next chapter we will explore the secret of keeping the magic of love alive.

Chapter 13