Now Men Unknowingly Start Arguments

The most common way men start arguments is by invalidating a woman's feelings or point of view. Men don't realize how much they invalidate. For example, a man may make light of a woman's negative feelings. He might say "Ah, don't worry about it." To another man this phrase would seem friendly. But to a female intimate partner it is insensitive and hurts. In another example, a man might try to resolve a woman's upset by saying "It's not such a big deal." Then he offers some practical solution to the problem, expecting her to be relieved and happy. He doesn't understand that she feels invalidated and unsupported. She cannot appreciate his solution until he validates her need to be upset. A very common example is when a man has done something to upset a woman. His instinct is to make her feel better by explaining why she shouldn't be upset. He confidently explains that he has a perfectly good, logical, and rational reason for what he did. He has no idea that this attitude makes her feel as though she has no right to be upset. When he explains himself, the only message she right hear is that he doesn't care about her feelings. For her to hear his good reasons, she first needs him to hear her good reasons for being upset. He needs to put his explanations on hold and listen with understanding. When he simply starts to care about her feelings she will start to feel supported. This change in approach takes practice but can be achieved. Generally, when a woman shares feelings of frustration, disappointment, or worry every cell in a man's body instinctively reacts with a list of explanations and justifications designed to explain away her upset feelings. A man never intends to make matters worse. His tendency to explain away feelings is just a Martian instinct. By understanding that his automatic gut reactions in this instance are counterproductive, a man can, however, make this shift. Through a growing awareness and his experiences of what works with a woman, a man can make this change.

Now Women Unknowingly Start Arguments

The most common way women unknowingly start arguments is by not being direct when they share their feelings. Instead of directly expressing her dislike or disappointment, a woman asks rhetorical questions and unknowingly (or knowingly) communicates a message of disapproval. Even though sometimes this is not the message she wants to give it is generally what a man will hear. For example, when a man is late, a woman may feel "I don't like waiting for you when you are late" or "I was worried that something had happened to you." When he arrives, instead of directly sharing her feelings she asks a rhetorical question like "How could you be so late?" or "What am I supposed to think when you're so late?" or "Why didn't you call?" Certainly asking someone "Why didn't you call?" is OK if you are sincerely looking for a valid reason. But when a woman is upset

the tone of her voice often reveals that she not looking for a valid answer but is making the point that there is no acceptable reason for being late. When a man hears a question like "How could you be so late?" or "Why didn't you call?" he does not hear her feelings but instead hears her disapproval. He feels her intrusive desire to help him be more responsible. He feels attacked and becomes defensive. She has no idea how painful her disapproval is to him. Just as women need validation, men need approval. The more a man loves a woman the more he needs her approval. It is always there in the beginning of a relationship. Either she gives him the message that she approves of him or he feels confident that he can win her approval. In either case the approval is present. A woman withdrawing that approval is particularly painful to a man. Women are generally oblivious of how they pull away their approval. And when they do pull it away, they feel very justified in doing so. A reason for this insensitivity is that women really are unaware of how significant approval is for men. A woman can, however, learn to disagree with a man's behavior and still approve of who he is. For a man to feel loved he needs her to approve of who he is, even if she disagrees with his behavior. Generally when a woman disagrees with a man's behavior and she wants to change him, she will disapprove of him. Certainly there may be times when she is more approving and less approving of him, but to be disapproving is very painful and hurts him. Most men are too ashamed to admit how much they need approval. They may go to great lengths to prove they don't care. But why do they immediately become cold, distant, and defensive when they lose a woman's approval? Because not getting what they need hurts. One of the reasons relationships are so successful in the beginning is that a man is still in a woman's good graces. He is still her knight in shining armor. He receives the blessings of her approval and, as a result, rides high. But as soon as he begins to disappoint her, he falls from grace. He loses her approval. All of a sudden he is cast out into the doghouse. A man can deal with a woman's disappointment, but when it is expressed with disapproval or rejection he feels wounded by her. Women commonly interrogate a man about his behavior with a disapproving tone. They do this because they think it will teach him a lesson. It does not. It only creates fear and resentment. And gradually he becomes less and less motivated. To approve of a man is to see the good reasons behind what he does. Even when he is irresponsible or lazy or disrespectful, if she loves him, a woman can find and recognize the goodness within him. To approve is to find the loving intention or the goodness behind the outside behavior. To treat a man as if he has no good reason for what he does is to withhold the approval she so freely gave in the beginning of the relationship. A woman needs to remember that she can still give approval even when she disagrees.

One critical pair of problems from which arguments arise:

The man feels that the woman disapproves of his point of view.

Or the woman disapproves of the way the man is talking to her.

When He Needs Her Approval The Most

Most arguments occur not because two people disagree but because either the man feels that the woman disapproves of his point of view or the woman disapproves of the way he is talking to her. She often may disapprove of him because he is not validating her point of view or speaking to her in a caring way. When men and women learn to approve and validate, they don't have to argue. They can discuss and negotiate differences. When a man makes a mistake or forgets to do an errand or fulfill some responsibility, a woman doesn't realize how sensitive he feels. This is when he needs her love the most. To withdraw her approval at this point causes him extreme pain. She may not even realize she is doing it. She may think she is just feeling disappointed, but hefeels her disapproval. One of the ways women unknowingly communicate disapproval is in their eyes and tone of voice. The words she chooses may be loving, but her look or the tone of her voice can wound a man. His defensive reaction is to make her feel wrong. He invalidates her and justifies himself. Men are most prone to argue when they have made a mistake or upset the woman they love. If he disappoints her, he wants to explain to her why she should not be so upset. He thinks his reasons will help her to feel better. What he doesn't know is that if she is upset, what she needs most is to be heard and validated.

NOW TO EXPRESS YOUR DIFFERENCES WITHOUT ARGUING

Without healthy role models, expressing differences and disagreements can be a very difficult task. Most of our parents either did not argue at all or when they did it quickly escalated into a fight. The following chart reveals how men and women unknowingly create arguments and suggests healthy alternatives. In each of the types of arguments listed below I first provide a rhetorical question that a woman might ask and then show how a man might interpret that question. Then I show how a man might explain himself and how a woman could feel invalidated by what she hears. Finally I suggest how men and women can express themselves to be more supportive and avoid arguments.

THE ANATOMY OF AN ARGUMENT

1. When He Comes Home Late:

When he arrives late she says: "How could you be so late?" or "There is no good reason for you to be late! Why didn't you call?" or "What am I supposed to think?".

The message he hears is "You are irresponsible. I would never be late. I am better than you."

When he arrives late and she is upset he explains "There was a lot of traffic on the bridge- or "Sometimes life can't be the way you want" or "You can't expect me to always be on time."

What she hears is "You shouldn't be upset because I have these good and logical reasons for being late. Anyway my work is more important than you, and you are too demanding!"

Now she can be less disapproving. She could say " I really don't like it when you are late. It is upsetting to me. I would really appreciate a call next time you are going to be late."

Now he can be more validating. He says "I was late, I'm sorry I upset you." (Most important is to just listen without explaining much.) Try to understand and validate what she needs to feel loved.

2. When He Forgets Something:

When he forgets to do something, she says "How could you forget?" or "When will you ever remember?" or "How am I supposed to trust you?"

The message he hears is "There is no good reason for forgetting. You are stupid and can't be trusted. I give so much more to this relationship. "

When he forgets to do something and she gets upset he explains "I was real busy and just forgot. These things just happen sometimes" or "It's not such a big deal. It doesn't mean I don't care."

What she hears is "You shouldn't get so upset over such trivial matters. You are being too demanding and your response is irrational. Try to be more realistic. You live in a fantasy world."

Now she can be less disapproving. If she is upset, she could say "I don't like it when you forget." She could also take another effective approach and simply not mention being angry that he has forgotten something and just ask again, saying "I would appreciate it if you would….. " (He will know he has forgotten.)

Now he can be more validating. He says "I did forget, Are you angry with me?" Then let her talk without making her wrong. As she talks she will realize she is being heard and soon she will feel very appreciative of him.

3. When He Returns from His Cave:

When he comes back from his cave, she says "How could you be so unfeeling and cold?" or "How do you expect me to react?" or"How am I supposed to know what's going on inside you?"

The message he hears is "There's no good reason for pulling away from me. You are cruel and unloving. You are the wrong man for me. You have hurt me so much more than I have ever hurt you."

When he comes back from his cave and she is upset he explains "I feel hurt or abandoned, I needed some time alone, it was only for two days. What is the big deal?" or "I didn't do anything to you. Why does it upset you so?"

What she hears is "You shouldn't be upset and if you do, I have no empathy for you. You are too needy and controlling. I will do whatever I want, I don't care about your feelings."

Now she can be less disapproving. If it upsets her she could say "I know you need to pull away at times but it still hurts when you pull away. I'm not saying you are wrong but it is important to me for you to understand what I go through."

Now he can be more validating. He says "I understand it hurts when I pull away. It must be very painful for you when I pull away. Let's talk about it." (When she feels heard then it is easier for her to accept his need to pull away at times.)

4. When He Disappoints Her:

When he disappoints her, she says: "How could you do this?" or "Why can't you do what you say you are going to do?'' or "Didn't you say you would do it?" or "When will you ever learn?"

The message he hears is "There is no good reason for disappointing me. You are an idiot. You can't do anything right. I can't be happy until you change!"

When she is disappointed with him, he explains "Hey, next time I'll get it right" or "It's not such a big deal" or "But I didn't know what you meant."

What she hears is "If you are upset it is your fault. You should be more flexible. You shouldn't get upset, and I have no empathy for you.

Now she can be less disapproving. If she is upset she could say "I don't like being disappointed. I thought you were going to call. It's OK and I need you to know how it feels when you "

Now he can be more validating. He says: "I understand I disappointed you. Let's talk about it. How did you feel?" Again let her talk. Give her a chance to be heard and she will feel better. After a while say to her "What do you need from me now to feel my support?" or "How can I support you now?"

5. When He Doesn't Respect Her Feelings and Hurts Her:

When he doesn't respect her feelings and hurts her. she says "How could you say that?" or "How could you treat me this way?" or "Why can't you listen to me?" or "Do you even care about me any more?" or "Do I treat you this way?"

The message he hears is "You are a bad and abusive person. I am so much more loving than you. I will never forgive you for this. You should be punished and cast out. This is all your fault."

When he doesn't respect her feelings and she gets even more upset, he explains "Look, I didn't mean that" or "I do listen to you; see I am doing so right now" or "I don't always ignore you" or "I am not laughing at you."

What she hears is "You have no right to be upset. You are not making any sense. You are too sensitive, something is wrong with you. You are such a burden."

Now she can be less disapproving. She could say "I don't like the way you are talking to me. Please stop" or "You are being mean and I don't appreciate it. I want to take a time-out" or "This is not the way I wanted to have this conversation. Let's start over" or "I don't deserve to be treated this way. I want to take a time-out" or "Would you please not interrupt" or "Would you please listen to what I am saying." (A man can respond best to short and direct statements. Lectures or questions are counterproductive.)

He says "I'm sorry, you don't deserve to be treated that way." Take a deep breath and just listen to her response. She may carry on and say something like "You never listen." When she pauses, say "You are right. Sometimes I don't listen. I'm sorry, you don't deserve to be treated that way. Let's start over. This time we will do it better." Starting a conversation over is an excellent way to keep an argument from escalating. If she doesn't want to start over don't make her feel wrong. Remember, if you give her the right to be upset then she will be more accepting and approving.

6. When He Is in a Hurry and She Doesn't Like It:

She complains "Why are we always in a hurry?" or "Why do you always have to rush places?"

The message he hears is "There is no good reason for this rushing! You never make me happy. Nothing will ever change you. You are incompetent and obviously you don't care about me."

He explains "it's not so bad" or "This is the way it has always been" or "There is nothing we can do about it now" or "Don't worry so much; it will be fine."

What she hears is "You have no right to complain. You should be grateful for what you have and not be such a dissatisfied and unhappy person. There is no good reason to complain, you are bringing everyone down."

Now she can be less disapproving: If she feels upset she can say "It's OK that we are rushing and I don't like it. It feels like we're always rushing" or "I love it when we are not in a hurry and I hate it sometimes when we have to rush, I just don't like it. Would you plan our next trip with fifteen minutes of extra time?"

New he can be more validating: He says "I don't like it either. I wish we could just slow down. It feels so crazy." In this example he has related to her feelings. Even if a part of him likes to rush, he can best support her in her moment of frustration by expressing how some part of himself sincerely relates to her frustration.

7. When She Feels Invalidated in a Conversation:

When she feels unsupported or invalidated in a conversation, she says "Why did you say that?" or "Why do you have to talk to me this way?" or "Don't you even care about what I'm saying?" or "How can you say that?"

The message he hears is "There is no good reason for treating me this way. Therefore you do not love me. You do not care. I give you so much and you give back nothing!"

When she feels invalidated and gets upset, he explains "But you are not making sense" or "But that is not what I said" or "I've heard all this before."

What she hears is "You have no right to be upset. You are irrational and confused. I know what is right and you don't. I am superior to you. You cause these arguments, not me."

Now she can be less disapproving: She could say "I don't like what you are saying. It feels as if you are judging me. I don't deserve that. Please understand me." or "I've had a hard day. I know this is not your fault. And I need you to understand what I'm feeling." Or she can simply overlook his comments and ask for what she wants, saying "I am in such a bad mood, would you listen to me for a while? It will help me feel much better." (Men need lots of encouragement to listen.)

Now he can be more validating: He says "I'm sorry it's not comfortable for you. What are you hearing me say?" By giving her a chance to reflect back what she has heard then he can again say: "I'm sorry. I understand why you didn't like it." Then simply pause. This is a time to listen. Resist the temptation to explain to her that she is misinterpreting what you said. Once the hurt is there it needs to be so heard if it is to be healed. Explanations are helpful only after the hurt is healed with some validation and caring understanding.