Recurring conversations and arguments

When a woman comes out of the well she becomes her usual loving self again. This positive shift is generally misunderstood by men. A man typically thinks that whatever was bothering her is now completely healed or resolved. This is not the case. It is an illusion. Because she is suddenly more loving and positive he mistakenly thinks all her issues are resolved. When her wave crashes again, similar issues will arise. When her issues come up again he becomes impatient, because he thinks they have already been resolved. Without understanding the wave, he finds it hard to validate and nurture her feelings while she is in the "well."

When a woman's unresolved feelings recur, he may respond inappropriately by saying:

1. "How many times do we have to go through this?"

2. "I've heard all this before."

3. "I thought we had established that."

4. "When are you going to get off it?"

5. "I don't want to deal with this again."

6. "This is crazy! We are having the same argument."

7. "Why do you have so many problems?"

When a woman goes into her well her deepest issues tend to surface. These issues may have to do with the relationship, but usually they are heavily charged from her past relationships and childhood. Whatever remains to be healed or resolved from her past inevitably will come up. Here are some of the common feelings she may experience as she goes into the well.

WARNING SIGNS FOR MEN THAT SHE MAY BE GOING INTO HER WELL OR WHEN SHE NEEDS HIS LOVE THE MOST

She feels	She may say
Overwhelmed	"There is so much to do."
Insecure	"I need more."
Resentful	"I do everything."
Worried	"But what about..? "
Confused	" I don't understand why! "
Exhausted	"I can't do anything more."
Hopeless	"I don't know what to do."
Passive	"I don't care, do what you want."
Demanding	"You should… "
Withholding	"No, I don't want to"
Mistrustful	"What do you mean by that?"
Controlling	"Well, did you…?"
Disapproving	"How could you forget?"

As she feels more and more supported at these difficult times, she begins to trust the relationship and is able to journey in and out of her well without conflict in her relationship or struggle in her life. This is the blessing of a loving relationship. To support a woman when she is in her well is a special gift that she will greatly appreciate. Gradually she will become free from the gripping influence of her past. She will still have her ups and downs, but they will not be so extreme that they overshadow her loving nature.

UNDERSTANDING NEEDINESS

During my relationship seminar Tom complained, saying, "In the beginning of our relationship, Susan seemed so strong, but then suddenly she became so needy. I remember reassuring her that I loved her and that she was important to me. After a lot of talking we got over that hurdle, but then again a month later she went through the same insecurity. It was as if she had never heard me the first time. I became so frustrated with her that we got in a big argument." Tom was surprised to see that many other men shared his experience in their relationships. When Tom met Susan she was on the upswing of her wave. As their relationship progressed Susan's love for Tom grew. After her wave peaked, suddenly she started feeling very needy and possessive. She became insecure and demanded more attention. This was the beginning of her descent into the well. Tom could not understand why she had changed, but after a rather intense discussion that went on for hours, Susan felt much better. Tom had reassured her of his love and support, and Susan was now swinging up again. Inside he felt relieved. After this interaction Tom thought he had successfully solved this problem in their relationship. But a month later Susan began to crash and began feeling the same way again. This time Tom was much less understanding and accepting of her. He became impatient. He was insulted that she would mistrust him again after he had reassured her of his love a month before. In his defensiveness he negatively judged her recurring need for reassurance. As a result they argued.

Reassuring Insights

By understanding how women are like waves, Tom realized that the recurrence of Susan's neediness and insecurity was natural, inevitable, and temporary. He realized how naive he had been to think that his loving response to Susan's deepest core issues could permanently heal her. Tom learning successfully to support Susan when she was in her well not only made it easier for her to do her inner healing but also helped them not to have fights at those times. Tom was encouraged by the three following realizations:

A man's love and support cannot instantly resolve a woman's issues. His love, however, can make it safe for her to go deeper into her well. It is naive to expect a woman to be perfectly loving all the time. He can expect these issues to come up again and again. Each time, however, he can get better at supporting her.

2. A woman going into her well is not a man's fault or his failure. By being more supportive he cannot prevent it from happening, but he can help her through these difficult times.

A woman has within herself the ability to spontaneously rise up after she has hit bottom. A man does not have to fix her. She is not broken but just needs his love, patience, and understanding.

WHEN A WOMAN DOESN'T FEEL SAFE IN HER WELL

This tendency to be like a wave increases when a woman is in an intimate relationship. It is essential that she feel safe to go through this cycle. Otherwise she works hard at pretending that everything is always all right and suppresses her negative feelings. When a woman doesn't feel safe to go into her well, her only alternative is to avoid intimacy or to suppress and numb her feelings through addictions like, overeating, overworking, or over care taking. Even with her addictions, however, she periodically will fall into her well and her feelings may come up in a most uncontrolled fashion. You probably know stories of couples who never fight or argue and then suddenly to everyone's surprise they decide to get a divorce. In many of these cases, the woman has suppressed her negative feelings to avoid having fights. As a result she becomes numb and unable to feel her love. When negative feelings are suppressed positive feelings become suppressed as well, and love dies. Avoiding arguments and fights certainly is healthy but not by suppressing feelings. In chapter 9 we will explore how to avoid arguments without suppressing feelings.

Emotional Housecleaning

When a woman's wave crashes is a time of emotional cleansing or emotional housecleaning. Without this cleansing or emotional catharsis a woman slowly loses her ability to love and to grow in love. Through controlled repression of her feelings her wave nature is obstructed, and she gradually becomes unfeeling and passionless over time. Some women who avoid dealing with their negative emotions and resist the natural wave motion of their feelings experience premenstrual syndrome (PMS). There is a strong correlation between PMS and the inability to cope with negative feelings in a positive way. In some cases women who have learned successfully to deal with their feelings have felt their PMS symptoms disappear. In chapter 11 we will explore more healing techniques for dealing with negative emotions. Even a strong, confident. and successful woman will need to visit her well from time to time. Men commonly make the mistake of thinking that if their female partner is successful in the work world then she will not experience these times of emotional housecleaning. The opposite is true. When a woman is in the work world she generally is exposed to stress and emotional pollution. Her need for emotional housecleaning becomes great. Similarly, a man's need to pull away like a rubber band may increase when he is under a greater amount of stress at work. One study revealed that a woman's self-esteem generally rises and falls in a cycle between twenty-one and thirty -five days. No studies have been done on how often a man pulls back like a rubber band, but my experience is that it is about the same. A woman's self esteem cycle is not necessarily in sync with her menstrual cycle, but it does average out at twenty -eight days. When a woman puts on her business suit she can detach from this emotional roller coaster, but when she returns home she needs her partner to give the tender loving support that every woman needs and appreciates at these times. It is important to recognize that this tendency to go into the well does not necessarily affect a woman's competence at work, but it does greatly influence her communication with the people she intimately loves and needs.