Secrets For Motivating a Man

There are five secrets of how to correctly ask a Martian for support. If they are not observed, he may be easily turned off. They are: appropriate timing, non demanding attitude, be brief, be direct, and use correct wording. Let's look at each more closely:

1. Appropriate Timing: Be careful not to ask him to do something that he is obviously just planning to do. For example, if he is about to empty the trash, don't say "Could you empty the trash?" He will feel you are telling him what to do. Timing is crucial. Also if he is fully focused on something don't expect him immediately to respond to your request.

2. Non demanding Attitude: Remember, a request is not a demand. If you have a resentful or demanding attitude, no matter how carefully you choose your words, he will feel unappreciated for what he has already given and probably say no.

3. Be Brief: Avoid giving him a list of reasons why he should help you. Assume that he doesn't have to be convinced. The longer you explain yourself the more he will resist, Long explanations validating your request make him feel as though you don't trust him to support you. He will start to feel manipulated instead of free to offer his support. Just as a woman who is upset doesn't want to hear a list of reasons and explanations about why she shouldn't be upset, a man doesn't want to hear a list of reasons and explanations about why he should fulfill her request. Women mistakenly give a list of reasons to justify their needs. They think it will help him see that her request is valid and therefore motivate him. What a man hears is "This is why you have to do it." The longer the list, the more he may resist supporting you. If he asks you "why?" then you can give your reasons, but then again, be cautiously brief. Practice trusting that he will do it, if he can. Be as brief as possible.

4. Be Direct: Women often think they are asking for support when they are not. When she needs support, a woman may present the problem but not directly ask for his support. She expects him to offer his support and neglects directly to ask for it. An indirect request implies the request but does not directly say it. These indirect requests make a man feel taken for granted and unappreciated. Occasionally using indirect statements is certainly OK, but when they are repeatedly used, a man becomes resistant to giving his support. He may not even know why he is so resistant. The following statements are all examples of indirect requests and how a man might respond to them:

What She should what she Should not -m What he how$

Who

(brief;Q direct) (indirect) she Is indirect

	What She Should	What She Should Not	What he hears
	"Would you pick up the kids?"	"The kids need to be picked up and I can't do it."	"If you can pick them up. You should, other wise I will feel very unsupported and resent you" (demand).
	"Would you bring in the groceries?"	"The groceries are in the car."	"It's your job to bring them in, I went shopping" (expectation).
	"Would you empty the trash?"	"I can't fit anything else in the trash can you empty it?'	"You haven't empty the trash. You shouldn't wait so long" (criticism).
	"Would you clean up the backyard?"	"The backyard is really a mess."	"You didn't clean up the yard again. You should be more responsible, I shouldn't have to remind you" (rejection).
	"Would you bring in the mail?"	"The mail hasn't been brought in."	"You forgot to bring in the mail. You should remember"(disapproval).
	"Would you take us out to eat tonight?"	"I have no time to make dinner tonight."	"I have done so much, the least you could do is take us out tonight" (dissatisfaction).
	"Would you take me out this week?"	"We haven't gone out in weeks."	"You are neglecting me. I'm not getting what I need. You should take me out more often" (resentment).
	"Would you schedule some time to talk with me?"	"We need to talk."	"It is your fault we don't talk enough. You should talk with me more" (blame).

5. Use Correct Wording: One of the most common mistakes in asking for support is the use of could and canin place of would and will. "Could you empty the trash?" is merely a question gathering information. "Would you empty the trash?" is a request. Women often use "could you?" indirectly to imply "would you?" As I mentioned before, indirect requests are a turn off. When used occasionally they certainly may go unnoticed, but persistently using canand could begins to irritate men. When I suggest to women that they begin asking for support, sometimes they panic because their partners have already made comments many times such as:

"Don't nag me."

"Don't ask me to do things all the time."

"Stop telling me what to do."

" I already know what to do."

"You don't have to tell me that."

In spite of how it sounds to a woman, when a man makes this kind of comment, what he really means is: "I don't like the way You ask!" If a woman doesn't understand how certain language can affect men, she will get even more snarled. She becomes afraid to ask and starts saying "Could you..." because she thinks she is being more polite. Though this works well on Venus, it doesn't work at all on Mars. On Mars it would be an Insult to ask a man "Can you empty the trash?" Of course he can empty the trash! The question is not can he empty the trash but will he empty the trash. After he has been insulted, he may say no just because you have irritated him.

What Men Want to Be Asked

When I explain this distinction between the C words and the W words in my seminars, women tend to think I am making a big deal over nothing. To women there is not much difference, in fact, "could you?" may even seem more polite than "would you?" But to many men it is a big difference. Because this distinction is so important, I'm including comments by seventeen different men who attended my seminars.

1. When I am asked "Could you clean up the backyard" I really take it literally. I say, "I could do it, sure it's possible." But I am not saying "I will do it," and I certainly don't feel like I am making a promise to do it. On the other hand, when I am asked " Would you clean up the backyard" I begin to make a decision, and I am willing to be supportive. If I say yes, the chances of my remembering to do it are much greater because I have made a promise.

2. When she says "I need your help. Could you please help?" it sounds critical, like somehow I have already failed her. It doesn't feel like an invitation to be the good guy I want to be and support her. On the other hand, "I need your help. Would you please carry this?" sounds like a request and an opportunity to be the good guy. I want to say yes.

3. When my wife says "Can you change Christopher's diaper?" I think inside, Sure I can change it. I am capable, and a diaper is a simple thing to change. But then if I don't feel like doing it I might make sonic excuse. Now, if she asked "Would youchange Christopher's diaper?" I would say "Yeah, sure," and do it. Inside I would feel, I like to participate and I enjoy helping raise our children. I want to help!

4. When I am asked "Would you help me please?" it gives me an opportunity to help, and I am more than willing to support her, but when I hear "Could youhelp me please?'' I feel backed up against the wall, as if I have no choice. lf I have the ability to help then I am expected to help! l don't feel appreciated.

5. 1 resent being asked "could you." I feel like I have no choice but to say yes. If I say no she will be upset with me. It is not a request but a demand.

6. I keep myself busy, or at least pretend to be busy so that the woman I work with doesn't ask me the "could you" question. With "would you" I feel I have a choice, and I want to help.

7. Just this last week my wife asked me, "Could you plant the flowers today?" and without hesitation 1 said yes. Then when she came home she asked, " Did you plant the flower?" I said no. She said, "Could you do it tomorrow? " and again, without hesitation, I Said yes. This happened every day this week, and the flowers are still not planted. I think if she had asked me "Would you plant the flowers tomorrow?" I would have thought about it, and if I had said yes I would have done it.

8. When I say "Yes, I could do that" I am not committing myself to doing it. I am just saying that I could do it. I have not promised to do it. If she gets upset with me I feel like she doesn't have a right. If I say I will do it, then I can understand why she is upset if I don't do it.

9. I grew up with five sisters, and now I am married and have three daughters. When my wife says "Can you bring out the trash?" I just don't answer. Then she asks "why?" and I don't even know. Now I realize why. I feel controlled. I can respond to "would you?"

10. When I hear a "could you" I'll immediately say yes, and then over the next ten minutes I will realize why I'm not going to do it and then ignore the question. But when I hear a "will you" a part of me comes up saying "Yes, I want to be of service," and then even if objections come up later in my mind, I will still fulfill her request because I have given my word.

11. I will say yes to a "can you," but inside I resent her. I feel that if I say no she will throw a fit. I feel manipulated. When she asks "would you," I feet free to say yes or no. It is then my choice, and then I want to say yes.

12. When a woman asks me "Would you do this?" I feel assured inside that I am going to get a point for this. I feel appreciated and happy to give.

13. When I hear a "would you" I feel I am being trusted to serve. But when I hear a "can you" or "could you" I hear a question behind the question. She is asking me if I can empty the trash when it is obvious that I could. But behind her question is the request, which she doesn't trust me enough to directly ask.

14. When a woman asks "would you" or "will you" I feel her vulnerability. I am much more sensitive to her and her needs; I definitely don't want to reject her. When she says "could you" I am much more apt to say no because I know it is not a rejection of her. It is simply an impersonal statement saying I can't do it. She won't take it personally if I say no to a "Could you do this?"

15. For me, "would you" makes it personal, and I want to give, but "could you" makes it impersonal, and I will give if it is convenient or if I don't have anything else to do.

16. When a woman says "Could you please help me?" I can feel her resentment and I will resist her, but if she says "Would you please help me" I can't hear any resentment, even if there is some. I am willing to say yes.

17. When a woman says "Could you do this for me?" I get kind of honest and say "I'd rather not." The lazy part of me comes out. But when I hear a "Would you please?" I become creative and start thinking of ways to help.

One way women are sure to relate to the significant difference between would and could is to reflect for a moment on this romantic scene. Imagine a man proposing marriage to a woman. His heart is full, like the moon shining above. Kneeling before her, he reaches out to hold her hands. Then he gazes up into her eyes and gently says, "Could you marry me?" Immediately the romance is gone. Using the C word he appears weak and unworthy. In that moment, he reeks of insecurity and low self-esteem. If instead he said "Would you marry me?" then both his strength and vulnerability are present. That is the way to propose. Similarly, a man requires that a woman propose her requests in this manner. Use the W words. The C words sound too untrusting, indirect, weak, and manipulative. When she says "Could you empty the trash?" the message he receives is "If you canempty it then you should do it. I would do it for you!" From his point of view he feels it is obvious that he cando it. In neglecting to ask for his support he feels she is manipulating him or taking him for granted. He doesn't feel trusted to be there for her if he can. I remember one woman in a seminar explaining the difference in Venusian terms. She said, "At first I couldn't feel the difference between these two ways of asking. But then I turned it around. It feels very different to me when he says 'No, I can'tdo it' versus 'No, I will not do it.' The 'I will not do it' is a personal rejection. If he says 'I can't do it' then it is no reflection on me, it is just that hecan't do it.

Common Mistakes In Asking

The hardest part of learning to ask is remembering how to do it. Try using the W words whenever possible. It will take a lot of practice. To ask a man for support:

Be direct.

Be brief.

3. Use "would you" or "will you" phrases.

It's best not to be too indirect, too lengthy, or to employ phrases such as "could you" or "can you." Let's look at some examples.

	Say	Don't Say
	"Would you empty the trash?"	"This kitchen is a mess; it really stinks. I can't fit anything else into the trash bag. It needs to be emptied. Could you do it?" (This is too long and uses could.)
	"Would you help me move this table?"	"I can't move this table. I need to rearrange it before our party tonight. Could you please help?" (This is too long and uses could.)
	"Would you please put this away for me?"	"I can't put all of this away." (This is an indirect message.)
	"Would you bring the groceries from the car?"	"I have four bags of groceries left in the car. And 1 need that food to make dinner. Could you bring them in?" (This is too long, indirect, and uses could.)
	"Would you pick up a bottle of milk on your way home?"	"You'll be going by the store. Lauren needs a bottle of milk. I just can't go out again. I am so tired. Today was a bad day. Could you get it?" (This is too long. indirect, and uses could.)
	"Would you pick up Julie from school?"	"Julie needs a ride home and I can't pick her up. Do you have time? Do You think you could pick her up?" (This is too long, indirect, and uses could.)
	"Would you take Zoey to the vet today?"	"It's time for Zoey to get her shots. Would you like to take her to the vet?" (This is too indirect.)
	"Would you take us out to dinner tonight?"	"I am too tired to make dinner. We haven't gone out in a long time. Do you want to go out." (This is too lengthy and indirect.)
	"Would you zip me up?"	"I need your help. Could you zip me up?" (This is indirect and uses could.)
	"Would you build a fire for us tonight?"	"It's really cold. Are you going to build a fire?" (This is too indirect.)
	"Would you take me to a movie this week?"	"Do you want to go to a movie this week?" (This is too indirect.)
	"Would you help Lauren put on her shoes?"	"Lauren still hasn't put on her shoes! We are late. I can't do this all by myself! Could you help?" (This is too long, indirect, and uses could.)
	"Would you sit down with me now or sometime tonight and talk about our schedule?"	"I have no idea of what's going on. We haven't talked and I need to know what you are doing." (This is too long and 'Indirect.)

As you have probably noticed by now, what you think has been asking is not asking to Martians; they hear something else. It takes a conscious effort to make these little but significant changes in the way you ask for support. I suggest practicing at least three months correcting the way you ask for things before moving on to step two. Other request statements that work are "Would you please...?" and "Would you mind...?" Start out in step 1 by being aware of how many times you don't ask for support. Become aware of how you do ask when you do. With this increased awareness, then practice asking for what he's already giving you. Remember to be brief and direct. Then give him lots of appreciation and thanks.