How do you open up and trust your partner if the first people you trusted with your innocence betrayed you in some way?

How are you supposed to communicate your feelings lovingly and respectfully if you haven't had eighteen years of practice without the threat of being rejected and abandoned?

The answer to all these eighteen questions is the same. It is possible to learn loving communication, but we need to work at it. We have to make up for the eighteen years of neglect. No matter how perfect our parents were, nobody is really perfect. If you have problems communicating, it is neither a curse nor all your partner's fault. It is simply a lack of having the correct training and the safety to practice. In reading the above questions, you may have had some feelings come up. Don't waste this special opportunity to heal yourself. Take twenty minutes right now and write one of your parents a Love Letter. Simply get a pen and some paper and begin expressing your feelings, using the Love Letter format. Try it now, and you will be amazed at the outcome.

TELLING THE COMPLETE TRUTH

Love Letters work because they assist you in telling the complete truth. Merely to explore a part of your feelings does not bring about the desired healing. For example..

Feeling your anger may not help you at all. It may just make you more angry. The more you dwell on just your anger, the more upset you will become.

Crying for hours may leave you feeling empty and spent, if you never move past the sadness.

To feel only your fears may make you even more fearful.

To feel sorry, without moving through it, may just make you feel guilty and ashamed and may even be harmful to your self-esteem.

Trying to feel loving all the time will force you to suppress all your negative emotions, and after a few years, you will become numb and unfeeling.

Love Letters work because they guide you in writing out the complete truth about all your feelings. To heal our inner pain, we must feel each of the four primary aspects of emotional pain. They are anger, sadness, fear and regret.

Why Love Letters Work

BY expressing each of the four levels of emotional pain, our pain is released. Writing only one or two negative feelings does not work as well. This Is because many of our negative emotional reactions are not real feelings but defense mechanisms we unconsciously use to avoid our true feelings. For example:

People who get angry easily generally are trying to hide from their hurt, sadness, fear, or regret. When they feel their more vulnerable feelings, the anger goes away and they become more loving.

People who cry easily generally have a hard time getting angry, but when they are helped to express anger they feel much better and more loving.

People who are fearful generally need to feel and express their anger; the fear then goes away.

People who often feel sorry and guilty generally need to feel and express their hurt and anger before they can feel the self-love they deserve.

5. People who always feel loving but wonder why they are depressed or numb generally need to ask themselves this question: If I were angry and upset about something, what would it be? " and write out the answers. This will help them get in touch with the feelings hidden behind the depression and numbness. Love Letters can be used in this fashion.

Now Feelings Can Hide Other Feelings

Following are some examples of how men and women use their negative emotions to avoid or suppress their true pain. Keep in mind that this process is automatic. We are often not aware that it is happening. Consider for a moment these questions:

• Do you ever smile when you are really angry?

• Have you acted angry when deep inside you were afraid?

• Do you laugh and make jokes when you are really sad and hurt?

• Have you been quick to blame others when you felt guilty or afraid?

The following chart shows how men and women commonly deny their true feelings. Certainly not all men will fit the male description just as not all women will fit the female description. The chart gives us a way to understand how we may remain strangers to our real feelings.

WAYS WE COVER UP OUR REAL FEELINGS

Men may use anger as a way of avoiding the painful feelings of sad ness, hurt, sorrow, guilt, and fear.

Men may use indifference and discouragement as a way of avoiding the painful feelings of anger.

Men may use feeling offended as a way of avoiding feeling hurt.

Men may use anger and righteousness as a way to avoid feeling afraid or uncertain.

Men may feel ashamed to avoid anger and grieving.

Men may use peace and calm as a way to avoid anger, fear, disappointment, discouragement, and shame.

Men may use confidence to avoid feeling inadequate.

Men may use aggression to avoid feeling afraid.

Women may use concern and worry as a way of avoiding the painful feelings of anger, guilt, fear and disappointment.

Women may fall into confusion as a way of avoiding anger, irritation, and frustration.

Women may use feeling bad as a way of avoiding embarrassment, anger, sadness and regret.

Women may use fear and uncertainty as a way of avoiding anger, hurt and sadness.

Women may use grieving to avoid feeling angry and afraid.

Women may use hope as a way to avoid anger, sadness, grief and sorrow.

Women may use happiness and gratitude to avoid feeling sadness and disappointment.

Women may use love and forgiveness as a way to avoid feeling hurt and angry.

HEALING NEGATIVE FEELINGS

Understanding and accepting another's negative feelings are difficult if your own negative feelings have not been heard and supported. The more we are able to heal our own unresolved feelings from childhood the easier it is responsibly to share our feelings and to listen to our partner's feelings without being hurt, impatient, frustrated, or offended. The more resistance you have to feeling your inner pain, the more resistance you will have to listening to the feelings of others. If you feel impatient and intolerant when others express their childlike feelings, then this is an indicator of how you treat yourself. To retrain ourselves we must reparent ourselves. We must acknowledge that there is an emotional person inside us who gets upset even when our rational adult mind says there is no reason to be upset. We must isolate that emotional part of our self and become a loving parent to it. We need to ask ourselves "What's the matter? Are you hurt? What are you feeling? What happened to upset you? What are you angry about? What makes you sad? What are you afraid of? What do you want?" When we listen to our feelings with compassion, our negative feelings quite miraculously are healed, and we are able to respond to situations in a much more loving and respectful way. By understanding our childlike feelings we automatically open a door for loving feelings to permeate what we say. If as children our inner emotions had been repeatedly heard and validated in a loving way, then as adults we wouldn't get stuck in negative emotions. But most of us weren't supported this way as children, so we have to do it for ourselves.

Now Your Past Affects You Today

Certainly you've had the experience of feeling gripped by negative emotions. These are some common ways our unresolved emotions from childhood may affect us today as we encounter the stresses of being adults:

When something has been frustrating, we remain stuck feeling angry and annoyed, even when our adult self says we should feel calm, loving, and peaceful.

When something has been disappointing, we remain stuck feeling sad and hurt, even when our adult self says we should feel enthusiastic, happy, and hopeful.

When something has been upsetting, we remain stuck feeling afraid and worried, even when our adult self says we should feel assured, confident, and grateful.

When something has been embarrassing, we remain stuck feeling sorry and ashamed, even when our adult self says we should feel secure, good, and wonderful.

Silencing Your Feelings Through Addictions

As adults we generally try to control these negative emotions by avoiding them. Our addictions can be used to silence the painful cries of our feelings and unfulfilled needs. After a glass of wine, the pain is gone for a moment. But it will come back again and again. Ironically, the very act of avoiding our negative emotions gives them the power to control our lives. By learning to listen to and nurture our inner emotions, they gradually lose their grip. When you are very upset, it certainly is not possible to communicate as effectively as you want to. At such times the unresolved feelings of your past have come back. It Is as though the child that was never allowed to throw a tantrum now throws one, only to be exiled once again into the closet. Our unresolved childhood emotions have the power to control us by gripping our adult awareness and preventing loving communication. Until we are able lovingly to listen to these seemingly irrational feelings from our past (which seem to intrude into our life when we most need our sanity), they will obstruct loving communication. The secret of communicating our difficult feelings lies in having the wisdom and the commitment to express our negative feelings in writing so that we can become aware of our more positive feelings. The more we are able to communicate to our partners with the love they deserve, the better our relationships will be. When you are able to share your upset feelings in a loving way, it becomes much easier for your partner to support you in return.

SECRETS OF SELF-HELP

Writing Love Letters is an excellent self-help tool, but if you don't immediately get in the habit of writing them you may forget to use it. I suggest that at least once a week when something is bothering you, sit down and write a Love Letter. Love Letters are helpful not only when you feel upset with your partner in a relationship but also whenever you are upset. Writing Love Letters help when you are feeling resentful, unhappy, anxious, depressed, annoyed, tired, stuck, or simply stressed. Whenever you want to feel better, write a Love Letter. It may not always completely improve your mood, but it will help move you in the direction you want to go.

In my first book, What You Feel You Can Heal, the importance of exploring feelings and writing Love Letters is more fully discussed. In addition, in my tape series, Healing the Heart, I share healing visualizations and exercises based on the Love Letter Technique for overcoming anxiety, releasing resentment, and finding forgiveness, loving your inner child, and healing past emotional wounds. In addition, many more books and workbooks have been written on this subject by other authors. Reading these books is important to help you get in touch with your inner feelings and heal them. But remember, unless you are letting that emotional part of you speak out and be heard, it cannot be healed. Books can inspire you to love yourself more, but by listening to, writing out, or verbally expressing your feelings you are actually doing it.

As you practice the Love Letter Technique you will begin to experience the part of you that needs love the most. By listening to your feelings and exploring your emotions, you will be helping this part of you to grow and develop. As your emotional self gets the love and understanding it needs, You will automatically begin to communicate better. You will become capable of responding to situations in a more loving manner. Even though we have all been programmed to hide our feelings and react defensively and not lovingly, we can retrain ourselves. There is great hope. To retrain yourself you need to listen to and understand the unresolved feelings that have never had a chance to be healed. This part of you needs to be felt, heard, and understood and then it is healed.

Practicing the Love Letter Technique is a safe way to express unresolved feelings, negative emotions, and wants without being judged or rejected. By listening to our feelings we are in effect wisely treating our emotional side like a little child crying in a loving parent's arms. By exploring the complete truth of our feelings we are giving ourselves full permission to have these feelings. Through treating this childlike part of us with respect and love, the unresolved emotional wounds of our past can be gradually healed. Many people grow up too quickly because they reject and suppress their feelings. Their unresolved emotional pain is waiting inside to come out to be loved and healed. Although they may attempt to suppress these feelings, the pain and unhappiness continue to affect them. Most physical diseases are now widely accepted as being directly related to our unresolved emotional pain. Suppressed emotional pain generally becomes physical pain or sickness and can cause premature death. In addition, most of our destructive compulsions, obsessions and addictions are expressions of our inner emotional wounds. A man's common obsession with success is his desperate attempt to win love in hopes of reducing his inner emotional pain and turmoil. A woman's common obsession with being perfect is her desperate attempt to be worthy of love and reduce her emotional pain. Anything done to excess can become a mean to numb the pain of our unresolved past.

Our society is filled with distractions to assist us in avoiding our pain. Love Letters, however, assist you in looking at your pain, feeling it and then healing it. Every time you write a Love Letter you are giving your inner emotional and wounded self the love, understanding, and attention it needs to feel better.

Privacy

Sometimes, by privately writing out your feelings, you will discover deeper levels of feelings that you could not feel with another person present. Complete privacy creates the safety to feel more deeply. Even if you are in a relationship and you feel you can talk about anything, I still recommend writing down your feelings sometimes. Writing Love Letters in private is also healthy because it provides a time for you to give to yourself without depending on anyone else. I recommend keeping a journal of your Love Letters or keeping them together in a file. To make writing Love Letters easier, you may wish to refer to the sample Love Letter format given earlier in this chapter. This Love Letter format can assist you in remembering the different stages of a Love Letter and offer some lead-in phrases when you may be stuck. If you have a personal computer then type in the Love Letter format and use it over and over again. Simply open to that file whenever you want to write a Love Letter, and when you are finished save it by the date. Print it out if you wish to share it with someone. In addition to writing letters, I suggest that you keep a private file for your letters. Occasionally reread these letters when you are not upset because that is when you can review your feelings

with a greater objectivity. This objectivity will help you to express upset feelings at a later time in a more respectful way. Also if you write a Love Letter and you are still upset, by rereading the letter you may begin to feel better. To assist people in writing Love Letters and exploring and expressing feelings In a private way, I developed a computer program called Private Session. In a personal way, the computer uses pictures, graphics, questions, and various Love Letter formats to assist you in getting in touch with your feelings. It even suggests lead-in phrases to help you draw up and express particular emotions. In addition it privately stores your letters and brings them up at times when reading them might help you more fully to express your feelings. Using your computer to assist you in expressing your feelings can help overcome the usual resistance that people have to writing Love Letters. Men, who are usually more resistant to this process, are more motivated to do it if they can sit privately in front of their computer.

The Power of Intimacy

Privately writing Love Letters is very healing in itself, but it does not replace our need to be heard and understood by others. When you write a Love Letter you are loving yourself, but when you share a letter you are receiving love. To grow in our ability to love ourselves we need to receive love as well. Sharing the truth opens the door of intimacy through which love can enter. To receive more love we need to have people in our life with whom we can openly and safely share our feelings. It is very powerful to have some select people in your life with whom you can share your every feeling and trust that they will still love you and not hurt you with criticism, judgment, or rejection. When you can share who you are and how you feel, then you can fully receive love. If you have this love, it is easier to release negative emotional symptoms like resentment, anger, fear, and so forth. This does not mean that you need to share everything you feel and discover in private. But if there are feelings that you are afraid to share, then gradually these fears need to be healed. A loving therapist or close friend can be a tremendous source of love and healing if you can share your inner and deepest feelings. If you don't have a therapist, then having a friend read your letters from time to time is very helpful. Writing in private will make you feel better; but occasionally sharing your Love Letters with another person who cares and can be understanding is essential.

The Power of the Group

The power of group support is something that cannot be described but has to be experienced. A loving and supportive group can do wonders to help us more easily get in touch with our deeper feelings. To share your feelings with a group means there are more people available to give you love. The potential for growth is magnified by the size of the group. Even if you do not speak out in a group, by listening to others speak openly and honestly about their feelings, your awareness and insight expand. When I lead group seminars around the country I repeatedly experience deeper parts of myself that need to be heard and understood. When someone stands up and shares their feelings, suddenly I begin to remember something or feel something myself. I gain valuable new insights about myself and others. At the end of each seminar I generally feel much lighter and more loving. Everywhere small support groups on almost every topic meet each week to give and receive this support. Group support is especially helpful if as children we did not feel safe to express ourselves in groups or in our family. While any positive group activity is empowering, speaking or listening in a loving and supportive group can be personally healing. I meet regularly with a small men's support group, and my wife, Bonnie, meets regularly with her women's support group. Getting this outside support greatly enhances our relationship. It frees us from looking to each other as the sole source of support. In addition, by listening to others share their successes and failures our own problems tend to shrink.

Taking Time to Listen

Whether you are privately writing down your thoughts and feelings on your computer or sharing them in therapy, in your relationships, or in a support group, you are taking an important step for yourself. When you take the time to listen to your feelings you are in effect saying to the little feeling person inside "You matter. You deserve to be heard and I care enough to listen." I hope you will use this Love Letter Technique because I have witnessed it transform the lives of thousands of people, including my own. As you write more Love Letters it becomes easier and works better. It takes practice, but it is worth it.

Chapter 12