Write a Love Letter expressing your feelings of anger, sadness, fear, regret, and love.

Write a Response Letter expressing what you want to hear from your partner.

Share your Love Letter and Response Letter with your partner.

The Love Letter Technique is quite flexible. You may choose to do all three steps, or you may only need to do one or two of them. For example, you might practice steps one and two in order to feel more centered and loving and then have a verbal conversation with your partner without being overwhelmed with resentment or blame. At other times you may choose to do all three steps and share your Love Letter and Response Letter with your partner. To do all three steps is a powerful and healing experience for both of you. However sometimes doing all three steps is too time consuming or inappropriate. In some situations, the most powerful technique is to do just step one and write a Love Letter. Let's explore a few examples of how to write a Love Letter.

STEP 1: WRITING A LOVE LETTER

To write a Love Letter, find a private spot and write a letter to your partner. In each Love Letter express your feelings of anger, sadness, fear, regret and then love. This format allows you fully to express and understand all your feelings. As a result of understanding all your feelings you will then be able to communicate to your partner in a more loving and centered way. When we are upset we generally have many feelings at once. For example, when your partner disappoints you, you may feel angry that he is being insensitive, angry that she is being unappreciative; sadthat he is so preoccupied with his work, sad that she doesn't seem to trust you; afraidthat she will never forgive you, afraid that he doesn't care as much about you; sorry that you are secretly withholding your love from him or her. But at the same time you love that he or she is your partner and you want his or her love and attention.

To find our loving feelings, many times we need first to feel all our negative feelings. After expressing these four levels of negative feelings (anger, sadness, fear, and regret), we can fully feel and express our loving feelings. Writing Love Letters automatically lessens the intensity of our negative feelings and allows us to experience more fully our positive feelings. Here are some guidelines for writing a basic Love Letter:

Address the letter to your partner. Pretend that he or she is listening to you with love and understanding.

Start with anger, then sadness, then fear, then regret, and then love. Include all five sections in each letter.

Write a few sentences about each feeling; keep each section approximately the same length. Speak in simple terms.

After each section, pause and notice the next feeling coming up. Write about that feeling.

Do not stop your letter until you get to the love. Be patient and wait for the love to come out.

Sign your name at the end. Take a few moments to think about what you need or want. Write it in a P.S.

Generally the most releasing expressions are: I am angry," "I am sad," I am afraid," "I am sorry," "I want," and "I love." However, any phrases that assist you in expressing your feelings will work. It usually takes about twenty minutes to complete a Love Letter.

A Love Letter

Dear Date

I am writing this letter to share my feelings with you.

For Anger

* I Don't like it...

* I feel frustrated...

* I am angry that...

* I feel annoyed...

* I want...

For Sadness

* I feel disappointed...

* I am sad that...

* 1 feel hurt...

* 1 wanted...

* I want...

For Fear

* I am worried...

* I am afraid...

* I feel scared...

* I do not want...

* I need...

* I want...

For Regret

* I Feel embarrassed...

* I am sorry...

* I feel ashamed...

* I didn't want...

* I want...

For Love

* I Love

* I want...

* I understand...

* I forgive...

* I appreciate...

* I thank you for...

* I know...

P.S. The response I would like to hear from you: ………….

Here are some typical situations and some sample Love Letters that will help you understand the technique.

A Love Letter About Forgetfulness

When Tom napped longer than he'd planned and forgot to take his daughter Hayley to the dentist, his wife, Samantha, was furious. Instead of confronting Tom with her anger and disapproval, however, she sat down and wrote the following Love Letter. Afterward she was able to approach Tom in a more centered and accepting way. Because she wrote this letter, Samantha did not feel an urge to lecture or reject her husband. Instead of having an argument they enjoyed a loving evening. The next week Tom made sure Hayley got to the dentist.

This is Samantha's Love Letter:

Dear Tom,

Anger.. I am furious that you forgot. I am angry that you overslept. I hate it when you take naps and forget everything. I am tired of feeling responsible for everything. You expect me to do everything. I am tired of this.

Sad.. I am sad that Hayley missed her appointment. I am sad that you forgot. I am sad because I feel like I can't rely on you. I am sad that you have to work so hard. I am sad that you are so tired. I am sad that you have less time for me. I feel hurt when you are not excited to see me. I feel hurt when you forget things. I feel like you don't care.

Fear.. I am afraid I have to do everything. I am afraid to trust you. I am afraid that you don't care. I am afraid I will have to be responsible next time. I don't want to do everything. I need your help. I am afraid to need you. I am afraid you will never be responsible. I am afraid you are working too hard. I am afraid you may get sick.

Regret.. I feel embarrassed when you miss appointments. I feel embarrassed when you are late. I am sorry that I am so demanding. I am sorry that I am not more accepting. I feel ashamed that I am not more loving. I don't want to reject you.

S. Love.. I love you. I understand that you were tired. You work so hard. I know you are doing your best. I forgive you for forgetting. Thank you for making another appointment. Thank you for wanting to take Hayley to the dentist. I know you really do care. I know you love me. I feel so lucky to have you in my life. I want to have a loving evening with you.

Love, Samantha

P.S. I need to hear that you will be responsible to take Hayley next week to the dentist.

A Love Letter About Indifference

Jim was leaving the next morning for a business trip. That evening, his wife, Virginia, attempted to create some intimacy. She brought a mango into their bedroom and offered him some. Jim was preoccupied reading a book in bed and briefly commented that he wasn't hungry. Virginia felt rejected and left. Inside she was hurt and angry. Instead of coming back and complaining about his rudeness and insensitivity, she wrote a Love Letter. After writing this letter, Virginia, feeling more accepting and for giving, went back into the bedroom and said, "This is our last night before you leave, let's spend some special time together." Jim put down his book and they had a delightful, intimate evening. Writing a Love Letter gave Virginia the strength and love to persist more directly in getting her partner's attention. She did not even need to share her Love Letter with her partner.

This is her letter:

Dear Jim,

Anger.. I am frustrated that you want to read a book and this is our last evening together before you leave. I am angry that you ignore me. I am angry that you do not want to spend this time with me. I am angry that we don't spend more time together. There is always something more important than me. I want to feel you love me.

Sadness.. I am sad that you don't want to be with me. I am sad that you work so hard. I feel like you wouldn't even notice if I wasn't here. I am sad that you are always so busy. I am sad that you don't want to talk with me. I feel hurt that you do not care. I don't feel special.

Fear.. I am afraid you don't even know why I am upset. I am afraid you don't care. I am afraid of sharing my feelings with you. I am afraid you will reject me. I am afraid we are drifting further apart. I am scared that I can't do anything about it. I am afraid that I am boring to you. I am afraid that you don't like me.

Regret.. I feel so embarrassed wanting to spend time with you when you don't even care. I feel embarrassed getting so upset. I am sorry if this sounds demanding. I am sorry that I am not more loving and accepting. I am sorry that I was cold when you didn't want to spend time with me. I am sorry that I didn't give you another chance. I am. sorry that I stop trusting your love.

Love.. I do love you. That's why I brought the mango. I wanted to do something to please you. I wanted to spend some special time together. I still want to have a special evening. I forgive you for being so indifferent to me. I forgive you for not responding right away. I understand that you were in the middle of reading something. Let's have a loving intimate evening.

I love you, Virginia

P.S. The response I would like to hear: "I love you, Virginia, and I also want to spend a loving evening with you. I am going to miss you."

A Love Letter About Arguing

Michael and Vanessa disagreed about a financial decision. Within a few minutes they got into an argument. When Michael noticed that he was starting to yell he stopped yelling, took a deep breath, and then said, "I need some time to think about this and then we will talk." Then he went into another room and wrote out his feelings in a Love Letter. After writing the letter he was able to go back and discuss the matter in a more understanding way. As a result they were able lovingly to resolve their problem.

This is his Love Letter:

Dear Vanessa,

Anger.. I am angry that you get so emotional. I am angry that you keep misunderstanding me. I am angry that you can't stay calm when we talk. I am angry that you are so sensitive and easily hurt. I am angry that you mistrust and reject me.