Now to give up trying to change a man

	What to remember	What she can do
	Don't ask him too many questions when he is upset or he will feel you are trying to change him.	Ignore that he is upset unless he wants to talk to you about it. Show some initial concern, but not too much, as an invitation to talk.
	Give up trying to improve him in any way. He needs your love, not rejection, to grow	Trust him to grow on his own. Honestly share feelings but without the demand that he change.
	When you offer unsolicited advice he may feel mistrusted, controlled, or rejected.	Practice patience. Wait until he asks for your advice.
	When a man becomes stubborn and resists change he is not feeling loved; he is afraid to admit his mistakes for fear of not being loved.	Practice showing him that he doesn't have to be perfect to deserve your love. Practice forgive ness. (See chapter 11)
	If you make sacrifices hoping he will do the same for you then he will feel pressured to change.	Practice doing things for yourself and not depending on him to make you happy.
	You can share negative feelings without trying to change him. When he feels accepted it is easier for him to listen.	When sharing feelings, let him know that you are not trying to tell him what to do but that you want him to take your feelings into consideration.
	If you give him directions and make decisions for him he will feel corrected and controlled.	Relax and surrender. Practice accepting imperfection. Make his feelings more important than perfection and don't lecture or correct him.

As men and women learn to support each other in the ways that are most important for their own unique needs, change and growth will become automatic. With a greater awareness of your partner's six primary needs you can redirect your loving support according to their needs and make your relationships dramatically easier and more fulfilling.

Chapter 9

How to Avoid Arguments

One of the most difficult challenges in our loving relationships is handling differences and disagreements. Often when couples disagree their discussions can turn into arguments and then without much warning into battles. Suddenly they stop talking in a loving manner and automatically begin hurting each other: blaming, complaining, accusing, demanding, resenting, and doubting. Men and women arguing in this way hurt not only their feelings but also their relationship. Just as communication is the most important element in a relationship, arguments can be the most destructive element, because the closer we are to someone, the easier it is to bruise or be bruised. For all practical purposes I strongly recommend that couples not argue. When two people are not emotionally involved it is a lot easier to remain detached and objective while arguing or debating. But when couples argue who are emotionally involved, they easily take things too personally. As a basic guideline: never argue. Instead discuss the pros and cons of something. Negotiate for what you want but don't argue. It is possible to be honest, open, and even express negative feelings without arguing or fighting. Some couples fight all the time, and gradually their love dies. On the other extreme, some couples suppress their honest feelings in order to avoid conflict and not argue. As a result of suppressing their true feelings they lose touch with their loving feelings as well. One couple is having a war while the other is having a cold war. It is best for a couple to find a balance between these two extremes. By remembering we are from different planets and thus developing good communication skills, it is possible to avoid arguments without suppressing negative feelings and conflicting ideas and desires.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE ARGUE

Without understanding how men and women are different it is very easy to get into arguments that hurt not only our partner but also ourselves. The secret to avoiding arguments is loving and respectful communication. The differences and disagreements don't hurt as much as the ways in which we communicate them. Ideally an argument does not have to be hurtful; instead it can simply be an engaging conversation that expresses our differences and disagreements. Inevitably all couples will have differences and disagree at times. But practically speaking most couples start out arguing about one thing, and within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing. Unknowingly they begin hurting each other; what could have been an innocent argument, easily resolved with mutual understanding and an acceptance of differences, escalates into a battle. They refuse to accept or understand the content of their partner's point of view because of the way they are being approached. Resolving an argument requires extending or stretching our point-of view to include and integrate another point of view. To make this stretch we need to feel appreciated and respected. If our partner's attitude is unloving, our self-esteem can actually be wounded by taking on their point of view. The more intimate we are with someone, the more difficult it is objectively to hear their point of view without reacting to their negative feelings. To protect ourselves from feeling worthy of their disrespect or disapproval automatic defenses come up to resist their point of view. Even if we agree with their point of view, we may stubbornly persist in arguing with them.

WHY ARGUMENTS HURT

It is not what we say that hurts but how we say it. Quite commonly when a man feels challenged, his attention becomes focused on being right and he forgets to be loving as well. Automatically his ability to communicate in a caring, respectful, and reassuring tone decreases. He is aware neither of how uncaring he sounds nor of how hurtful this is to his partner. At such times, a simple disagreement may sound like an attack to a woman; a request turns into an order. Naturally a woman feels resistant to this unloving approach, even when she would be otherwise receptive to the content of what he was saying.

A man unknowingly hurts his partner by speaking in an uncaring manner and then goes on to explain why she should not be upset. He mistakenly assumes she is resisting the content of his point of view, when really his unloving delivery is what upsets her. Because he does not understand her reaction, he focuses more on explaining the merit of what he is saying instead of correcting the way he is saying it. He has no idea that he is starting an argument; he thinks she is arguing with him. He defends his point of view while she defends herself from his sharpened expressions, which are hurtful to her. When a man neglects to honor a woman's hurt feelings he invalidates them and increases her hurt. It is hard for him to understand her hurt because he is not as vulnerable to uncaring comments and tones. Consequently, a man may not even realize how much he is hurting his partner and thus provoking her resistance.

Similarly, women don't realize how they are hurtful to men. Unlike a man, when a woman feels challenged the tone of her speech automatically becomes increasingly mistrusting and rejecting. This kind of rejection is more hurtful to a man, especially when he is emotionally involved. Women start and escalate arguments by first sharing negative feelings about their partner's behavior and then by giving unsolicited advice. When a women neglects to buffer her negative feelings with messages of trust and acceptance, a man responds negatively, leaving the woman confused. Again she is unaware of how hurtful her mistrust is to him.

To avoid arguing we need to remember that our partner objects not to what we are saying but to how we are saying it. It takes two to argue, but it only takes one to stop an argument. The best way to stop an argument is to nip it in the bud. Take responsibility for recognizing when a disagreement is turning into an argument. Stop talking and take a time-out. Reflect on how you are approaching your partner. Try to understand how you are not giving them what they need. Then, after some time has passed, come back and talk again but in a loving and respectful way. Time-outs allow us to cool off, heal our wounds, and center ourselves before trying to communicate again.