Step 2: Practice Asking For More ( Even When You Know He May Say No )

Before attempting to ask a man for more, make sure he feels appreciated for what he is already giving. By continuing to ask for his support without expecting him to do more than he has been doing he will feel not only appreciated but also accepted. When he is used to hearing you ask for his support without wanting more, he feels loved in your presence. He feels he doesn't have to change to get your love. At this point he will be willing to change and stretch his ability to support you. At this point you can risk asking for more without giving him the message that he is not good enough. The second step of this process is to let him realize that he can say no and still receive your love. When he feels that he can say no when you ask for more, he will feel free to say yes or no. Keep in mind that men are much more willing to say yes if they have the freedom to say no. It's important that women learn both how to ask and how to accept no for an answer. Women usually intuitively feet what their partner's response will be even before they ask. If they sense that he will resist their request, they won't even bother asking. Instead, they will feel rejected. He, of course, will have no idea what happened, all this has gone on in her head.

In step 2, practice asking for support in all those situations where you would want to ask but don't because you feel his resistance. Go ahead and ask for support even if you sense his resistance; even if you know he will say no. For example, a wife might say to her husband, who is focused on watching the news, "Would you go to the grocery store and pick up some salmon for dinner?" When she asks this question, she is already prepared for him to say no. He is probably completely surprised because she has never interrupted him with a request like this before. He will probably make some excuse like "I am right in the middle of watching the news. Can't you do it?" She may feel like saying "Sure I could do it. But I am always doing everything around here. I don't like being your servant. I want some help!" When you ask and sense you will get a rejection, prepare yourself for the no and have a ready answer like "OK." If you want to be really Martian in your response, you could say "no problem", that would be music to his ears. A simple "OK" is fine, however. It is important to ask and then act as if it is perfectly OK for him to say no. Remember, you're making it safe for him to refuse. Use this approach only for situations that are really OK if he says no. Pick situations where you would appreciate his support but rarely ask for it. Make sure

you will feel comfortable if he says no. These are some examples of what I mean:

1- He is working on something and you want him to pick up the kids. Normally you wouldn't bother him, and so you do it yourself. You say "Would you pick up Julie, she just called?" If he says no, then graciously and simply say "OK."

2- He normally comes home and expects you to make dinner. You want him to make dinner, but never ask. You sense he resists cooking. You say "Would you help me cut the potatoes?" or "Would you make dinner tonight?" If he says no, then graciously and simply say "OK."

3- He normally watches TV after dinner while you wash the dishes. You want him to wash them, or at least help, but you never ask. You sense he hates doing dishes. May be you don't mind it as much as he does, so you go ahead and do it. You say "Would you help me with the dishes tonight?" or "Would you bring in the plates?" or wait for an easy night and say "Would you do the dishes tonight?" If he says no then graciously and simply say "OK. "

4- He wants to go to a movie and you want to go dancing. Normally you sense his desire to see the movie and you don't bother asking to go dancing. You say "Would you take me dancing tonight? I love to dance with you." If he says no, then graciously and simply say "OK."

5- You are both tired and ready to go to bed. The trash is collected the next morning. You sense how tired he is, so you don't ask him to bring the trash out. You say "Would you take the trash out?" If he says no, then graciously and simply say "OK."

6- He is very busy and preoccupied with an important project. You don't want to distract him because you sense how focused he is, but you also want to talk with him. Normally you would sense his resistance and not ask for some time. You say "Would you spend some time with me?" If he says no, then graciously and simply say "OK."

7- He is focused and busy, but you need to pick up your car, which has been in the shop. Normally you anticipate how difficult it will be for him to rearrange his schedule and you don't ask him for a ride. You say "Would you give me a ride today to pick up my car? It's being repaired." If he says no, then graciously and simply say "OK."

In each of the above examples, be prepared for him to say no and practice being accepting and trusting. Accept his no and trust that he would offer support if he could. Each time you ask a man for support and he isn't made wrong for saying no, he gives you between five and ten points. Next time you ask he will be more responsive to your request. In a sense, by asking for his support in a loving way, you are helping him stretch his ability to give more.

I first learned this from a woman employee years ago. We were working on a nonprofit project and needed volunteers. She was about to call Tom, who was a friend of mine. I told her not to bother because I already knew he would not be able to help this time. She said she would call anyway. I asked her why, and she said, "When I call I will ask for his support, and when he says no I will be very gracious and understanding. Then next time, when I call for a future project, he will be more willing to say yes. He will have a positive memory of me." She was right. When you ask a man for support and you do not reject him for saying no, he will remember that, and next time he will be much more willing to give. On the other hand, if you quietly sacrifice your needs and don't ask, he won't have any idea how many times he is needed. How could he know if you don't ask? As you gently continue to ask for more, occasionally your partner will be able to stretch his comfort zone and say yes. At this point it has become safe to ask for more. This is one way healthy relationships are built.

Healthy Relationships

A relationship is healthy when both partners have permission to ask for what they want and need, and they both have permission to say no if they choose. For example, I remember standing in the kitchen with a family friend one day when our daughter Lauren was five years old. She asked me to lift her up and do tricks, and I said, "No, I can't today. I am real tired." She persisted, asking playfully, "Please, Daddy, please, Daddy, just one flip." The friend said, "Now, Lauren, your father is tired. He has worked hard today. You shouldn't ask." Lauren immediately responded by saying, "I am just asking!" "But you know your father loves you," my friend said. "He can't say no to you." (The truth is, if he can't say no, that's his problem, not hers.) Immediately my wife and all three daughters said, "Oh yes he can!" I was proud of my family. It has taken a lot of work, but gradually we have learned to ask for support and also to accept no.

STEP 3: PRACTICE ASSERTIVE ASKING

Once you have practiced step 2 and you can graciously accept a no, you are ready for step 3. In this step you assert your full power to get what you want. You ask for his support, and if he starts making excuses and resists your request, you don't say "OK" as in step 2. Instead you practice making it OK that he resists but continue waiting for him to say yes.

Let's say he is on his way to bed, and you ask him for something. He starts to grumble out. If you know that grumbles are just grumbles and are often his way of starting to say yes, your response will be silence. Your silence is a signal that you trust that he is stretching inside and about to say yes. Stretching is another way to understand a man's resistance to your requests. Whenever you ask for more, he has to stretch himself. If he is not in shape, he can't do it. That is why you have to prepare a man for step 3 by moving through steps 1 and 2. In addition, you know that it is more difficult to stretch in the morning. Later in the day you can stretch much farther and easier. When a man grumbles, just imagine that he is stretching in the morning. Once he has finished stretching he will feel great. He just needs to grumble first.