Here is an example of a Love Letter and its Response Letter. Notice that the response is still under the P.S., but it's a bit longer and more detailed than those above.

A Love Letter and Response Letter About His Resistance

When Theresa asks her husband, Paul, for support, he resists her and appears burdened by her requests.

Dear Paul,

Anger.. I am angry that you resist me. I am angry that you do not offer to help me. I am angry that I always have to ask. I do so much for you. I need your help.

Sadness: I am sad that you don't want to helping. I am sad because I feel so alone. I want to do more things together. I miss your support.

Fear.. I am afraid to ask for your help. I am afraid of your anger. I am afraid you will say no and then I will be hurt.

Regret.. I am sorry that I resent you so much. I am sorry that I nag you and criticize you. I am sorry I don't appreciate you more. I am sorry I give too much and then demand you do the same.

Love.. I love you. I understand you are doing your best. I know you do care about me. I want to ask you in more loving ways. You are such a loving father to our children.

I love you, Theresa

PS. The response I would like to hear is:

Dear Theresa,

Thank you for loving me so much. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I understand that it hurts you when I act as if your requests are too demanding. I understand that it hurts when I resist you. I am sorry that I don't offer to help you more often. You deserve my support and I want to support you more. I do love you and I feel so happy that you are my wife.

I love you, Paul

Step 3: Sharing Your Love Letter And Response Letter

Sharing your letters is important for the following reasons:

• It gives your partner an opportunity to support you.

• It allows you to get the understanding you need.

• It gives your partner necessary feedback in a loving and respectful way.

• It motivates change in a relationship.

• It creates intimacy and passion.

• It teaches your partner what is important to you and how successfully to support you.

• It helps couples to start talking again when communication breaks down.

• It teaches us how to hear negative feelings in a safe way.

There are five ways to share your letters outlined below. In this case, it is assumed that she wrote the letter, but these methods work just as well if he wrote the letter.

1. He reads her Love Letter and Response Letter out loud while she is present. Then he holds her hands and gives his own loving response with a greater awareness of what she needs to hear.

2. She reads her Love Letter and Response Letter out loud while he is listening. Then he holds her hands and gives his own loving response with a greater awareness of what she needs to hear.

3. First he reads her Response Letter out loud to her. Then he reads her Love Letter out loud. It is much easier for a man to hear negative feelings when he already knows how to respond to those feelings. By letting a man know what is required of him, he doesn't panic as much when he is hearing negative feelings. After he reads her Love Letter he then holds her hands and gives his own loving response with a greater awareness of what she needs to hear.

4. First she reads her Response Letter to him. Then she reads her Love Letter out loud. Finally he holds her hands and gives her a loving response with a greater awareness of what she needs.

5. She gives her letters to him and he reads them privately within twenty four hours. After he has read the letters, he thanks her for writing them and holds her hands and gives her a loving response with a greater awareness of what she needs.

What to Do lf Your Partner Col Respond Lovingly

Based on their past experiences some men and women have great difficulty hearing Love Letters. In this case they should not be expected to read one. But even when your partner chooses to hear a letter, sometimes they are unable to respond right away in a loving manner. Let's take Paul and Theresa as an example. If Paul is not feeling more loving after he has heard his partner's letters, then it is because he can't respond with love at that time. But after time his feelings will change. When reading the letters, he may feel attacked by the anger and hurt and become defensive. At such times he needs to take a timeout to reflect on what was said. Sometimes when a person hears a Love Letter they only hear the anger and it will take a while before they can hear the love. It helps if, after a bit, he rereads the letter, especially the regret and love sections. Sometimes before I read a Love Letter from my wife, I read the love section first and then I read the full letter. If a man is upset after reading a Love Letter, he could also respond with his own Love Letter, which would allow him to process the negative feelings that came up when he read her Love Letter. Sometimes I don't know what is bothering me until my wife shares a Love Letter with me, and then suddenly I have something to write about. By writing my letter I am able to find again my loving feelings and reread her letter and hear the love behind her hurt. If a man cannot immediately respond with love, he needs to know that it's OK and not be punished. His partner needs to understand and accept his need to think about things for a while. Perhaps, to support his partner, he can say something like "Thank you for writing this letter. I need some time to think about it and then we can talk about It." It is important that he not express critical feelings about the letter. Sharing letters needs to be a safe time.

All of the above suggestions for sharing Love Letters also apply when a woman has difficulty responding to a man's letter in a loving way. I generally recommend that couples read out loud the letters they have written. It is helpful to read your partner's letter out loud because it helps them feel heard. Experiment with both, and see what fits you.

MAKING IT SAFE FOR LOVE LETTERS

Sharing Love Letters can be scary. The person writing their true feelings will feel vulnerable. If their partner rejects them it can be very painful. The purpose of sharing the letter is to open up feelings so that partners can become closer. It works well as long as the process is done in safety. The person receiving the Love Letter needs to be particularly respectful of the writer's expression. If they cannot give true, respectful support, then they shouldn't agree to listen until they can. Sharing letters needs to be done with the correct intention. Sharing a letter needs to be done in the spirit of the following two statements of intent:

Statement of Intent for Writing and Sharing a Love Letter

I have written this letter in order to find my positive feelings and to give you the love you deserve. As part of that process I am sharing with you my negative feelings, which are holding me back. Your understanding will help me to open up and let go of my negative feelings. I trust that you do care and that you will respond to my feelings in the best way you can. I appreciate your willingness to listen and support me. In addition I hope that this letter will assist you in understanding my wants, needs and wishes.

Statement of Intent for Hearing a Love Letter

I promise to do my best to understand the validity of your feelings, to accept our differences, to respect your needs as I do my own, and to appreciate that you are doing your best to communicate your feelings and love. I promise to listen and not correct or deny your feelings. I promise to accept you and not try to change you. I am willing to listen to your feelings because I do care and I trust that we can work this out.

The first few times you practice the Love Letter Technique it will be much safer if you actually read these statements out loud. These statements of intent will help you remember to respect your partner's feelings and respond in a loving, safe way.

MINI LOVE LETTERS

If you are upset and you don't have twenty minutes to write a Love Letter, you can try writing a mini Love Letter. It only takes three to five minutes and can really help. Here are some examples:

Dear Max,

1. I am so angry that you are late!

I am sad that you have forgotten me.

I am afraid you don't really care about me.

I am sorry that I am so unforgiving.

I love you and I forgive you for being late. I know you really love me. Thank you for trying.

Love, Sandie

Dear Henry,