I am angry that you are so tired. I am angry that you just watch TV.

I am sad that you don't want to talk to me.

I am afraid that we are growing apart. I am afraid of making you angry.

I am sorry that I rejected you at dinner. I am sorry I blame you for our problems.

I miss your love. Would you schedule an hour with me tonight or sometime soon just for me to share with you what's going on in my life?

Love, Lesley

P.S. What I would like to hear from you is:

Dear Lesley,

Thank you for writing me about your feelings. I understand that you miss me. Let's schedule special time tonight between eight and nine.

Love, Henry

WHEN TO WRITE LOVE LETTERS

The time to write a Love Letter is whenever you are upset and you want to feel better. Here are some common ways Love Letters can be written:

Love Letter to an intimate partner.

Love Letter to a friend, child, or family member.

3. Love Letter to business associate or client. Instead of saying "I love you" at the end you may choose to use "I appreciate" and "I respect." In most cases I don't recommend sharing it.

Love Letter to yourself.

Love Letter to God or Higher Power. Share your upset feelings about your life with God and ask for support.

Role reversal Love Letter. If it is hard to forgive someone, pretend that you are them for a few minutes and write a Love Letter from them to you. You will be amazed at how quickly you become more forgiving.

Monster Love Letter. If you are really upset and your feelings are mean and judgmental, vent them in a letter. Then bum the letter. Do not expect your partner to read it unless you both can handle negative feelings and are willing to do so. In that case even monster letters can be very helpful.

Displacement Love Utter. When present events upset you and remind you of unresolved feelings from childhood, imagine you can go back in time and write a letter to one of your parents, sharing your feelings and asking for their support.

WHY WE NEED TO WRITE LOVE LETTERS

As we have explored throughout this book, it is vastly important for women to share their feelings and feel cared for, understood, and respected. It is equally important for men to feel appreciated, accepted, and trusted. The biggest problem in relationships occurs when a woman shares her upset feelings and, as a result, a man feels unloved. To him, her negative feelings may sound critical, blaming, demanding, and resentful. When he rejects her feelings, she then feels unloved. The success of a relationship is solely dependent on two factors: a man's ability to listen lovingly and respectfully to a woman's feelings, and a woman's ability to share her feelings in a loving and respectful way. A relationship requires that partners communicate their changing feelings and needs. To expect perfect communication is certainly too idealistic. Fortunately, between here and perfection there is a lot of room for growth.

Realistic Expectations

To expect communication always to be easy is unrealistic. Some feelings are very difficult to communicate without hurting the listener. Couples who have wonderful and loving relationships will sometimes agonize over how to communicate in a way that works for both people. It is difficult truly to understand another person's point of view, especially when he or she is not saying what you want to hear. It is also hard to be respectful of another when your

own feelings have been hurt. Many couples mistakenly think that their inability to communicate successfully and lovingly means they don't love each other enough. Certainly love has a lot to do with it, but communication skill is a much more important ingredient. Fortunately, it's a learnable skill.

Now We Learn to Communicate

Successful communication would be second nature if we grew up in families that were already capable of honest and loving communication. But in previous generations, so-called loving communication generally meant avoiding negative feelings. It was often as if negative feelings were a shameful sickness and something to be locked away in the closet. In less "civilized" families what was considered loving communication might include acting out or rationalizing negative feelings through physical punishment, yelling, spanking, whipping, and all kinds of verbal abuse, all in the name of trying to help the children learn right from wrong. Had our parents learned to communicate lovingly, without suppressing negative feelings, we as children would have been safe to discover and explore our own negative reactions and feelings through trial and error. Through positive role models we would have learned successfully how to communicate, especially our difficult feelings. As a result of eighteen years of trial and error in expressing our feelings, we would have gradually learned to express our feelings respectfully and appropriately. If this had been the case, we would not need the Love Letter Technique.

Lf Our Past Were Different

Had our past been different, we would have watched our father successfully and lovingly listen to our mother expand and express her frustrations and disappointments. Daily we would have experienced our father giving our mother the loving caring and understanding that she needed from her loving husband. We would have watched our mother trusting our father and sharing her feelings openly, without disapproving or blaming him. We would have experienced how a person could be upset without pushing someone away with mistrust, emotional manipulation, avoidance, disapproval, condescension, or coldness. Throughout our eighteen years of growing up we would gradually be able to master our own emotions just as we have mastered walking or math. It would be a learned skill, like walking, jumping, singing, reading, and balancing a checkbook. But it didn't happen that way for most of us. Instead we spent eighteen years learning unsuccessful communication skills. Because we lack education in how to communicate feelings, it is a difficult and seemingly insurmountable task to communicate lovingly when we are having negative feelings. To come to understand how difficult this is, consider your answers to these following questions:

When you are feeling angry or resentful, how do you express love if, while you were growing up, your parents either argued or conspired to avoid arguing?

How do you get your kids to listen to you without yelling or punishing them if your parents yelled and punished you to maintain control?

How do you ask for more support if, even as a child, you felt repeatedly neglected and disappointed?

How do you open up and share your feelings if you are afraid of being rejected?

5. How do you talk to your partner if your feelings say "I hate you"?

6. How do you say "I am sorry" if, as a child, you were punished for making mistakes?

How can you admit your mistakes if you are afraid of punishment and rejection?

How can you show your feelings if, as a child, you were repeatedly rejected or judged for been upset and crying?

How are you supposed to ask for what you want if, as a child, you were repeatedly made to feel wrong for wanting more?

How are you even supposed to know what you are feeling if your parents didn't have the time, patience, or awareness to ask you how you were feeling or what was bothering you?

How can you accept your partner's imperfections if, as a child, you felt you had to be perfect to be worthy of love?

How can you listen to your partner's painful feelings if no one listened to yours?

How can you forgive if you were not forgiven?

14. How are you supposed to cry and heal your pain and grief if, as a child, you were repeatedly told "Don't cry" or "When are you going to grow up?" or "Only babies cry"?

How can you bear your partner's disappointment if, as a child, you were made to feel responsible for our mother's pain long before you could understand that you were not responsible?

How can you hear your partner's anger if, as a child, your mother or father took their frustrations out on you through yelling and being demanding?