If it is difficult for the child to make the friends

 

Your baby is growing up, and it seems that he has no the family society enough, so it is time to expand his circle of the communication.

To check whether your kid is ready for this, answer the following questions:

1.Does your child have many familiar peers? Does he enjoy communicating with them?

2.Does the baby want to meet?

3.Does he quickly get used to the new team?

4.Can you leave your baby alone without the fear that he will cry so much, as if you are leaving him forever?

5.Does he actively participate in the various children’s activities when the guests come to your house, in the yard, in the street, in the kindergarten?

6.Does he know how to create the games for himself, for his siblings, and for his friends?

7.Do other children reach out to him or invite him to visit them? How do the parents of the friends feel about his visits?

8.Is your child friendly?

9.Does he often take offense? How long does he remember the injuries caused by any of his friends or the relatives?

10. Does he know how to stand up for himself if the need arises?

If you answered “yes” half of the questions at least, it means that your child is likely freely to start the new acquaintances, without experiencing the discomfort when meeting the unfamiliar people. Such the child will enter the new team painlessly.

If you answered most of the questions negatively, your child is not yet ready to communicate with the peers that are the new acquaintances will cost him a lot of the efforts. It will take the endurance and the patience to help your child learn the science of the communication.

 

WHY IS IT DIFFICULT FOR THE CHILD WITH THE PEERS

 

In the life of every child, one day a very important event occurs that is he joins the new team that is goes to the kindergarten, meets the guys in the yard and etc. Not always the new circle of the communication immediately becomes close, it is difficult for the child to find a real friend very often, and the new impressions do not bring him anything but the resentment and the disappointment.

What are the reasons for this? You always thought that you have a cute, charming baby, sociable with the adults who visit you at home, getting along well with their children. And then all of a sudden he is withdrawn into himself, does not want to go to the kindergarten or to the yard, because he does not like playing with other children.

The fact is that the natural state of the child is to reach out to the peers to play with them. And if he is not looking for the friends, seeks the solitude, it means that the harmony of his relations with the world around him with himself, has been violated. It is necessary as soon as possible to understand the reasons what is happening and try to fix the situation.

 

Getting into the new team, even the sociable children sometimes get lost. What can we say about those who have the difficulties communicating with their peers because of their individual characteristic that is the increased emotion, high or low the self-esteem, the conflict, the aggression, the isolation and the shyness?

 

The reasons for such the deviations in the child’s behavior can be very different that is the excessive attachment to one of the family members, the spoilt, the excessive parental care, the restriction of the communication of the baby due to the fear of the negative influence on it from the friends, a ban on playing with the peers at home due to the illness of one of the family members, parents’ fatigue after a stressful working day, the unwillingness to disturb the order in the house, etc.

The child who is forcibly isolated from his peers does not meet the natural need for the communication. It is over time, the baby gets tired of even the most favorite toys, and he begins to experience the emotional discomfort. The communication with the children is replaced by hours of sitting in front of the TV or the computer, which can also lead to headaches, the vision impairment, and the mental disorders. Once used to the privacy, the child is unlikely to be able to establish the contact with other children.

First when the child begins to communicate with his peers, he is faced with an unusual environment that is there are many new faces around, not similar to each other, each child has his own character... the kid want to play with everyone, makes the friends, but something prevents to feel comfortable in this seemingly desirable environment.

This is not surprising. The fact is that the child is used to communicating in the close family circle, where he feels protected, surrounded with the care, where all the attention is paid only to him, where there is always the mother, the father, the grandmother or the grandfather who will explain, help, regret... And now he has to solve such the difficult problems independently, even for the adult, as the approach to the new people, the choice of the friend or the girlfriend.

It is recently, I have often been approached by the confused parents, whose children’s behavior resembles the snails or the hermit crayfish, living in their own small, closed worlds. Any attempts of the peers to communicate with them end in the failure that is they hide in their “house” and do not give into any persuasion.

 

Here is one mother’s story:

“When Masha was three years old, I left my job. My husband earns the decent income, and my daughter wanted to pay more attention. Before that, she went to the kindergarten, and I thought that a few hours of the evening communication and the weekends together were not enough to build the normal relationships. And now my daughter is always in front of me, everything is somehow calmer. No matter what I do that is cook, iron, wash – she is always there that she fiddles with the doll that draws. But when we go for a walk, my daughter does not come to the children. I tell her to play with the girls, but she does not go to them. She is going to school in a year, and she does not step from me away. I take her to a group for the preschoolers, so I have to sit by the door during the classes, because she will not let me go.”

 

The reason for this behavior of the girl is the suggestion, however the involuntary, on the part of the mother that the daughter can only be good next to her.

 

Here is another example. At the reception the mother of three-years-old son: “I have been trying to leave the child in the kindergarten for a whole week, but I cannot do it. Every morning is the nightmare. As soon as we come to the kindergarten, he “goes into himself”, ceases to answer my questions. Yesterday I left him in the garden, and as a result, he cried all day, did not eat anything, did not play with the children...”

I had the conversation with the boy in the presence of his mother and noted that he has an open and trusting look, he strives to communicate, wants to make the friends sincerely.

In the conversation with the mother, I found out that the baby is very developed that is he counts up to hundred, knows all the letters, and recites many poems by heart. At home, he is mostly under the care of his grandmother, who dotes on his grandson and takes care of him like a greenhouse plant. The boy was so used to the caring attitude of his loving grandmother in this case that he was simply afraid to be left alone in a large unfamiliar group. The excessive attachment to his family is the result his shyness prevented him from behaving freely with his peers. I advised the mother or the grandmother to spend some days in the kindergarten with the boy to help him get used to the new environment. A week later, the mother came to the reception alone and said that the boy got used to the new team, made the friends with the children. The presence of the relatives created a sense of the security, which contributed to the fact that the child saw the positive aspects of the communication with the peers and easily fit into the new environment.

 

The reason for the difficulties in the communication can be the various traumatic circumstances. The baby could be offended, called any names or given a bad nickname. After this, the novice is unlikely to want to communicate with the children, or even be near them at all.

 

Such the case occurred with the girls-triplets of four years who refused to go to the kindergarten when they were called three piglets (the girls were somewhat overweight). It is only thanks to the special attention of the parents, who helped the girls to perceive their lack of the humor, and the sensitivity of the caregiver of another kindergarten, who managed to prevent such the incident and introduce the sisters to already the established children’s group, the girls were able to get rid of their fears and find the friends.

 

The first contacts of the baby with the peers often end sadly.

One of the most common reasons for this is the excessive shyness of the child. This problem usually occurs if the baby’s parents are very overbearing and intolerant. Noticing any shortcomings in the child, they try to put the pressure on him, believing that talking in the high tones and the pressure can eradicate them.

 

This method of the education only makes the situation worse, increasing the child’s shyness, which can cause “withdrawal” or so-called “the quiet aggression”. In the latter case, the child will not protest openly, but in a hidden form that is everything will do to spite you.

 

Another reason for the fact that the child cannot connect with other children is he is too self-centered and wants to lead. The most often, the only children is faced with this problem in the family or the children who were born first and they are raised as the only ones for some time. The egoist-child is always the creation of the close relatives with whom he lives that is the mothers, the fathers and the grandparents. Having got used to the general attention in the family, the kid strives to take the central place in the new team to become the leader. But as a rule, the peers do not accept such the children in the company, do not want to obey the will of the newcomer, it is very difficult for them to understand and accept his whims. And what could be more offensive for the child who is every whim in the family has always been perceived as a guide to the action? He will not be able to adjust immediately and agree to behave with the peers on an equal footing. Therefore, he can withdraw into himself, become touchy, taciturn, or, on the contrary, too aggressive, uncooperative, and stubborn. So the family’s desire will limit to one child itself in order to give him the best sometimes turns into the serious problem that is he cannot learn to communicate normally not only with the children, but also with the adults, requiring the unconditional fulfillment of all his whims.

 

The violation of the harmony of the relationships with others can lead to the fact that not only in the early childhood, but also in older age, the child will find the friends among the peers difficultly.

 

How do you determine which of the two types (shy or selfish) your child belongs to? It happens that the children behave completely differently in the family than outside of it, and sometimes even very observant parents cannot give an exact answer to the question that is what is my child? Try a simple psychological exercise. Ask the children to draw themselves full-length on a white sheet of paper.

The children’s drawing is considered to be “the royal way” of learning the world of the child, not only the teachers and the psychologists, but also the historians, the philosophers, the ethnographers, and the artists are interested in it. The first publication on the psychology of the children’s drawing was published in one thousand eight hundred and eighty-seven in Italy, and since then the number of the psychological studies on this topic has been growing steadily. Most of them claim that children’s creativity reflects the level of the development of the child, since he draws not what he sees, but what he understands.

If the child has drawn himself as a very small figure somewhere in the corner of the sheet, this can indicate his self-doubt, the shyness, the desire to be small and inconspicuous. The parents urgently need to adjust the child’s self-esteem in this case. If he does not learn to recognize himself as necessary and useful to people, you risk losing him as a person.

You can ask your child to draw yourself and his friends. Pay the attention to the location of the shapes. If the child portrayed himself in the center, perhaps he has the makings of a leader; if all the children are holding the hands and their figures are about the same size, your child is likely to converge with other children easily; if his own figure is depicted somewhere to the side and at the same time smaller than the other figures that is this is a warning about the serious problems in communicating with the peers.

There are the children who only manage to communicate with people of a certain class. Some of them cannot get along with their peers, but find a common language with the children much younger or older than themselves quickly. The others tend to communicate only with the boys or only with the girls, while the others prefer the company of the adults.

The children who seek to communicate with the children older than themselves often outperform their peers in the development, the games with which they are simply not interested. At the same time, if the child likes to mess with the babies, this does not mean that he is behind in the development, just in the process of the education, he has been developed the certain stereotype of the behavior, consisting in the constant need to take care of someone.

The attraction to play only with the boys or only with the girls is explained with the peculiarities of the child’s upbringing or the temperament. The behavior of such the children also requires the correction. After all, when the child becomes the adult, he will have to live in a society that does not differ in his homogeneity. Therefore, it is important to orient him from an early age to communicate with the different people.

 

The children who prefer to be in the company of the adults (they often sit in the same room with the adults, listen to their conversations with the interest, trying to insert their own word), are attached to their parents very much, so it is difficult to them to converge with their peers.

 

So, two types of the children are especially prone to the difficulties in communicating with the peers that is “quiet” and the potential leaders. The leader will find his place “under the sun” somehow; he will not gain the friends by the world, so “win” them. It is much more difficult for the shy child, so the next chapter is devoted to this type of the child.

 

HOW TO OVERCOME THE SHYNESS

 

One of the main reasons why your child cannot communicate with the other children is the excessive shyness. It happen that even the trusting children, kind, sincere, potentially ready to communicate, cannot overcome the psychological barrier and establish the contact with their peers.

How can one help the son or the daughter learn to communicate freely?

First of all, do not tie the child to yourself. Of course, it is very pleasant to feel your need for this cute baby, to revel in his love, his desire to be always near. But such the attachment can lead to the formation of the non-viable personality, going on the lead of a stronger one, hiding from solving any problems that arise.

 

The parents need to learn that the communication with the other children is also necessary for the preschoolers, as well as the communication with the family members. If being in the family circle gives a sense of self-importance to the child and then the contacts with the peers will stimulate the personal development. If you want your baby to grow into the full-fledged person, do not deprive him of either.

 

The parents should understand that it is very important for the child to at least occasionally invite the guests to their home. The self-affirmation is necessary at any age, and your own home is the most suitable place for this. Here he can boast of the cleanliness and the order in his room, a collection of the inserts or the stickers from the chewing gum, a variety of the toys and he can show his favourite puppy or his kitten which was given to him for his birthday. This increases the baby’s authority in the eyes of the other children, and therefore contributes to their self-confidence. In addition, the games are not less important at home than the games in the street. You should, of course, agree in advance with the baby that after the guests leave, the room will be in the same order as it has been before their visit. And if someone is sick or resting in the house, explain that it is desirable to choose the quiet activities for fun that is to guess the riddles, to play the board games, etc. In general, the child will behave correctly with the reasonable behavior of the parents.

 

It is important that the child understands that the family should take into account the wishes of all its members, that if his interests are respected, then he should also respect the interests of other family members. Then your child will grow up to be the person who can show the attention and empathy to those who will be with him. This, in turn, will help him find the common language with the others, because people both attentive and sensitive are always the soul of society.

 

To ensure that the child is not closed, the parents should adhere to the following simple rules:

1. From the earliest age of the baby, try to create such the conditions that he has a constant opportunity to communicate with the peers, since the less such the contacts, the less likely it is to find the friends. Go to visit the families with the children, invite the neighbourhood children to your house, and organize the holidays, allowing the kids to show the initiative, the imagination, and the ability.

2. Do not overprotect the children, do not suppress their will, and often give them the opportunity to act independently.

3. Help your child find a permanent entertainment partner from the neighbourhood boys and the girls the sooner you do it, the better. Understand that even the warmest relations with the parents will not replace the baby’s communication with the other children.

4. Do not be a bystander when your son or your daughter interacts with the peers. Join the game as a participant, helping to establish the friendly contacts between the children. If you need the urgent intervention, for example, if the children quarrel, act as a peacemaker; if the game suddenly goes wrong, take the initiative and try to interest the children in its continuation, offer something new, more interesting.

5. Do not overdo it, helping the children in their fun. If every next action of your son or your daughter is prompted by you, each toy is made with your hands with their passive participation, and the game is conceived not by them, but by you, these efforts will not benefit the baby, but harm him. Instead of the interest, there will be hopeless boredom, and as a result is the lack of will, the lack of the independence, disbelief in their own strength, the excessive compliance with the external influences, the dependence on a stronger person, and therefore — the inability to communicate fully.

6. Play, have fun, and be naughty with your child on equal terms.

7. Come up with the various stories with him, the main characters of which will be him and his companions. Let these stories be instructive.

8. Teach your child not only to play the games that you have invented, but also to create your own. Help him learn how to explain the rules of the game that he offers to play.

9. Teach him openly and calmly to express his own opinion, to prove it, without raising the voice, without the hysteria and the resentment.

10. Try to change the way the children communicate less often (for example, a group in the kindergarten), since the frequent changes in the team negatively affect both the shy child and the child with the makings of the leader. If, for the objective reasons, it still had to be done and your child cannot get used to the new team for a long time, come up with something that will attract the attention of the children (for example, organize a tea party with the games and the competitions).

11. Welcome and support the child’s desire to communicate with the peers, to create the good relationships with them. Parents’ praise is a great incentive for every child.

12. Spend more time with your child in the street, so that from an early age he can get used to the fact that he lives among people and that communication with them is not a necessity, but a pleasant pastime. It is exactly in relationships with the friends the best human qualities are revealed. Since the childhood, being surrounded by the different people, the child converges with people more easily, gets used to the fact that a wide range of the communication is natural for a normal person.

13. Do not scold him for avoiding the company of the children, preferring to be with his mother, the grandmother, or the other relatives. Do not push him. This will only cause the opposite effect that is the child will withdraw into himself. Go the other way that is help him to join the game, taking part in it with the child, and when he gets carried away, try to disappear quietly from his field of the view.

14. Tell the stories, any fairy tale to your child that is fictional or real about the strong friendships, how people help each other in trouble. It is necessary that these stories has to be simple and understandable for the baby, so that they lead him to the idea that everyone should have one real friend at least, with whom it is interesting to play, share the secrets, help him: “Such the friend will not let you hurt, but you must protect him if necessary.”

The stories will help the child understand, for example, who can be considered the loyal friend, and who is not, how to choose a good friend.

Here are some examples of the stories that you can use to create the tales for your child.

 

“A long time ago a woman lived and had three sons. When the children grew up, she sent them on a long journey that is to see the world, to learn the business. Each son was given advice by his mother on how to choose the right friend. She said to the first: “purposely leave me alone on the way, and to the companion, call out: “the saddle is off to one side, you need to fix it, and you go, I will catch up with you.” If the fellow traveler leaves, without offering help — he is not your friend.” She said to the second: “If you get hungry, take a loaf of some bread out of your traveling bag and give it to your companion to divide. If he takes most of the bread for himself and gives you the least, then he is greedy, so do not go any further with him.” She said to the third: “If you have a hard time on the road, the robbers will attack you, offer your fellow travelers to ride forward to save his life. If he leaves you, he will run away that is he is a coward, not fit for true friendship.”

 

Or here is another story that will teach you to appreciate the sense of the camaraderie to help the friend in a difficult situation:

“Once upon a time there were two friends in the forest that is a fawn and a squirrel. They played together all summer.

Now winter has come. The snow fell which one day after the thaw was covered with a thick crust of the ice. The fawn began to cry, it cannot break the ice crust. The squirrel saw that his friend was crying, and asked:

- What is wrong, my friend? The fawn responds:

- I have nothing to eat; the squirrel cannot get the grass from under the ice.

- “Don't be sad, Fawn, I will help you.”

He took the dried mushrooms out of his hollow and gave them to the fawn. Everyone was having fun that is the fawn, the squirrel, and everyone around.”

 

To overcome the shyness of the child, it is useful to organize children’s holidays. Let it be a real celebration with treats that is the sweets, the drinks and the ice cream that is with children’s games, the contests and the riddles. The parents, taking over the preparation of the evening, should become the good wizards and do everything so that the children would not feel constrained, so that everyone gets the attention at least a little. It is desirable that each of the invited guests be the host of one of the games, take part in the competition, and receive a prize.

An important stage of the holiday is the preparation for it. Think through the program; involve the children in the organization of the planned project. Let everyone (taking into account the age, of course) get some simple task. At the same time, bring the children to the idea that they have come up with all this themselves, praise them for the fact that they are doing everything perfectly.

 

The public reading of the poems, solo singing, storytelling, the participation in the dramatizations and puppet shows play an important role in the development of children’s communicative abilities. If you have the opportunity, enroll the child in some studio, if not develop his stage skills at home. If your friends have children the same age as your child, arrange the walks, the evenings of the recreation and the entertainment, the performances and performances with them. For the dramatization, use the simplest fairy tales that is “Turnip”, “The bun”, “The little house”, but try to make sure that each actor has a costume or the attributes of the character he portrays at least.

Play with your children more! During the game, their independence is shown; their advantages and the disadvantages are revealed. It is exactly in the game it is easiest to correct their behavior, to correct what prevents them from freely communicating with the adults and the peers that is the excessive selfishness or the excessive shyness.

It is desirable to create a family tradition of the game communication, using the holidays such as New Year, the Eighth of March, defender of the Fatherland Day... You just have to be creative a little.

For example, on New Year’s Eve, you can arrange a masquerade at home, let the adults become “the children” and the children become “the adults”.

This will help the child to relax, remove the accumulated resentments and the irritations. For example, one boy in the role of the father gave an authoritative voice to the parents-“the children” commands:

“Sit down at the table right now! Wash your dirty hands! So that in ten minutes your room will be in the perfect order! The parents, in turn, can pose as naughty, slow, sloppy children. All this causes a cheerful and harmless laughter of the players and helps both the children and the parents to see their shortcomings from the outside and correct their own behavior.

On the holiday of the Eighth of March, the male part of the family cannot only prepare a festive dinner, but also play the fairyland, treating the female representatives as queens and princesses. Imagine how much fun it will cause to address them as “Your Majesty” constantly, “Your Highness”, ceremonial bows and curtsies, the categorical prohibition to sit in the presence of “crowned heads”.

On defender of the Fatherland Day, you can organize a “Jousting tournament”, and let your sons and the father take part in the competitions both various and fun.

The children are very united by the collective games, especially popular in the warm season that is “the blind man”, the cat and the mouse”, “Burn, burn clearly!” But even in the winter, you can arrange all kinds of sports in the street that is “Good eye”, “The snow basketball”, “Do not miss!”

Everyone knows the rules of the games like “the blind man”, the cat and the mouse”. Let us get acquainted with the content of other games.

“Burn, burn clearly!”

Participants line up in two rows at the back of each other’s heads. The following words are uttered in chorus:

                                                                    

                                                       Burn, burn clear,

                                                       Something went out.

                                                       Look at the sky that is birds are flying,

                                                       Bells are ringing!

 

On the words “Look at the sky...” the children standing first raise their heads up, and at the final words run a race to the finish line. Who will come running the first and he won.

“The good eye”

Draw a large target on the wall of the house where there are no windows, or on a wooden board. Make the snowballs and throw them at the target. The one with the most hits in the center of the target won.

The snow basketball”

Throw the snowballs into a basketball hoop or, if you do not have one, into an ordinary bucket. The winner is the one who gets hit most often.

“Do not miss!”

Draw a large circle on the snow (five or six m. in diameter), step from it some steps away and throw the snowballs at it. Who is hit, moves away two more steps, then another. Continue until there is only one winner left.

Imagine more, come up with the new games and encourage the children to do this, encourage their imagination to work.

So-called the contact games are very effective for overcoming the shyness, when the children touch each other, naturally, within reasonable ethical and aesthetic limits.

“Lavata”

The children stand in the circle; hold their hands and, moving in a circle, singing:

                                                       Amicably we dance, TA-TA-TA, TA-TA-TA,

                                                       Our merry dance is “Lavata”.

                                                       My legs are good, but my neighbour’s is better!

 

With these words, they touch the feet of their neighbours in the circle and continue to move with the song, changing the word “feet” to “hair”, “ears”, “elbows”, “fingers”, etc.

“The confusion”

Under the cheerful music, the little ones stand in the circle, close their eyes, and, with their hands outstretched, converge in the center. With the right hand, each of the participants in the game takes someone’s hand, while the left hand remains free for someone to take it. When everyone is holding the hands, they open their eyes and try to untangle themselves without separating their hands.

“The blind man”

The blindfolded host catches the other participants in the game, trying not to get caught. When he catches someone, he tries to guess by touch who is it.

 

Offer the role-playing games in which the different situations are played out: “in the store”, “in the barber shop”, “at the doctor’s office”, and so on to the kids. Prepare for this simple attributes of a particular profession (they can be made from the cardboard). You will see that through the game your shy baby will gradually learn to communicate freely.

The children are very fond of the games both collective and speakable, which can be held in the winter and the summer, both indoors and outdoors.

“Finish the word”

The adult presenter starts the line, and the children finish it in chorus or in turn:

1. I want to have a ball,

I went back to my room... (called).

Everyone here is a talent –

And the singer, and... (The musician).

Stop worrying, get bored, and let us get started... (Dance).

If you are tired of dancing, rock on... (The swings).

And tired of swinging?

Let us get started... (The case).

It is better to sit down at the table and have the ice cream... (to eat).

Are you all full, the kids? To play then... (It is time)!

 

2. RA-RA-RA-begins. (The game).

Ry-ry-ry-at boys... (The balls).

Ro-ro-ro – we have a new one. (The bucket).

Ru-ru-ru – we continue... (The game).

Re-re-re – there is the house on... (The mountain).

Ri-ri-ri – on the branches. (The bullfinches).

Ar-ar-ar – boils new... (The samovar).

Or-or-or – ripe red... (The tomato).

IR-IR-IR – my father. (The commander).

Ar-ar-ar – on the wall... (The flashlight).

 

3. Now it was in turn.

Play the game “Vice Versa”.

I will say the word “High”,

You will answer: (Low).

Say the word “Far”,

And you will answer:.. (Closely).

Say the word “The ceiling”,

And you will answer:... (The floor).

Say the word “lost”,

And you will say:.. (Found).

Will I say the word “Coward”,

You will answer:... (The valiant).

Now “the beginning” I will say,

- Well, answer: (The end)!

 

4. There is a big fight in the river,

Two quarreled, (The cancer)

 

Where the sparrow had dinner?

In the zoo at... (beasts’).

   

Over the meadow, above the water

A torrential rain began to fall,

Then it hung

There is a rocker in the sky.

The children are happy with the colour scheme. (The rainbow).

   

The foresters of her kittens

They will not want to take it home.

You cannot tell her, “The cat, scram”,

Because it is... (The lynx).

    

What a dress: all needles,

They only wear it... (The Christmas tree).

            Not prickly, light blue, everywhere in the morning... (The frost).

     

  Round, crumbly, white,

  It came to the table from the fields.

  You salt it a little.

  It is delicious... (The potato).

 

  Made everyone cry,

  He is not a brawler, and just... (The onion).

 

  I am the mistress of the different dreams

  About the dolphins and the elephants,

  About the crystal palaces

  And about the distant stars.

  Lay out, and on the ear

  It will whisper dreams to you... (The pillow).

 

  A long thin beak will grab a frog.

  A drop will drop from the beak.

  Who is it? (The heron).

 

  My sock is missing,

  Dragged him away... (The puppy).

 

A grey wolf in the dense forest

I met a redhead... (The fox).

 

I wake up early in the morning

Together with the ruddy sun.

I make my own bed,

Quickly make... (charging).