The position of the average child in the family

 

A difficult situation can arise with the upbringing of the average kid for the parents. The place, which he occupies in the family, does not allow him to count on any special advantages over his brothers or his sisters that is he is neither the youngest one with his helplessness, nor the oldest one with his relative independence. Such the kid can be dissatisfied with the birth of a newborn, because in this regard with the fact that he, in his view, as if he recedes into the background. In addition, it does not hold up to the role of the eldest child. As a result, it seems to him that, being on the family status between the older one and the younger one, he is not needed by anyone and no one loves him. It is exactly for this reason that the baby can start quarreling with his brothers and his sisters, trying to prove to them, and to you, and to himself that he can also do a lot. He often goes to the conflict only in order to attract the attention to himself in any way. He is even ready to commit stupid, unnecessary actions, although he knows that he will be punished for this.

What to do? I will advise you devoting the time to the children, do not forget about any of them and try to distribute your attention and affection equally. You will eliminate the reason this way which the most conflicts occur between children for.

 

I will also tell you about a fairly rare case of children’s quarrels, which sometimes still occur. The friend of mine is the mother of two charming five-years-old twins came to complain about her sweet, obedient children began to conflict seriously. Despite the deep affection that always characterized their relationship, they began to quarrel more and more often. The young mother did not know how to explain this.

I asked her permission to observe the children for some time, and soon I understood the reason for the strange behavior of the children.

You probably know that twins are attached deeply to each other from birth. This is no accident that is they are together all the time (for the large count from the moment of the conception), inseparable from each other. In this regard, they need in communicating with their peers less. The parents, as a rule, leave them to each other and get used to seeing only half of the whole in each of them that they make up together. And meanwhile, by about three or four years of the age, each of them begins to realize themselves as a person. That is when your attitude to the twin children, in which you perceive them as a whole, can lead a disservice to any conflicts. Your job is to prevent them.

 

I gave the following advice to the young mother that is treating each of the twins as a person, recognizing their value. I understand that this is said too generally, but the point of the strategy should be exactly in it. How do I show this to the kids?

Start buying any different clothes for them. If this is possible, change the interior of their room so that it would be clear immediately that two different people live here (for example, put the different bedspreads on the bed).

But the main task is to establish a trusting relationship with each of the children, and it is necessary that both the father and the mother do this. At the same time, it would be wrong if each of the parents “chooses” one kid and begins to deal only with them.

I can also advise that when the twins will be three years old (in the case described, this method could already be used), temporarily separate them. For example, if you are going somewhere, delegate the care of them to two different people. Let them be separated from each other for a while. But to avoid the conflicts about this, explain to the twins that this separation is not for long and they will certainly meet soon.

The reason for children’s quarrels often lies in the fact that you, the parents, provoke the children to a competitive relationship themselves. After reading these lines, put the book aside for a moment, sit down and remember whether there were often the situations when you put one kid as an example to another?

 

Here is one example. The young parents complained about their three-years-old daughter constantly quarreled with the eldest one that is the five-years-old one. They could not figure out what it was. It seemed that they treat their daughters equally; trying to make sure that none of them suffers from a lack of the attention...

Just in the case, I asked if one sister was often used as an example for another. What do you think? So it turned out! Can you imagine what it was like for the youngest one to listen to the same thing every day: “Katya! You did not finish your porridge again? Look, how smart Dasha is, she finished everything!”, “Dasha is well done! How quickly the toys were removed! And why cannot you do so?”

It is very soon, the constant comparisons with Dasha began to lead to the fact that Katya began to look for the quarrels with her and the further comparisons of the parents (“Katya, what are you angry: why does Dasha behave so badly any ever?”) only escalated the situation.

 

I must say that many families have the same situation. It is willy-nilly, comparing one child with another; you “produce” one of them as a favorite thereby, setting a very difficult task before the other kid that is to reach the level of the siblings.

 

You make a truly tragic mistake by showing one of your children the increased love and the attention and constantly setting an example for the other one. By doing this, you develop a competitive relationship between them. I will not deny that the healthy competition is a useful thing. But the excitement of the competitive relationship between the young children, in which one of them is given the attention and the love as a reward for a good deed, that or another achievement is a right way to quarrel.

 

Perhaps you will object: “Mrs. Lugovskaya, you have a rich imagination, you are fond of the exaggeration very much! We are talking about quite the innocent statements, which also have the noble purpose that is to encourage the children and arouse the desire in them constantly to improve.” But I say that you only think your words are harmless. In fact, saying something like: “well done, Dasha! And you, Katya, do as Dasha” – thus you say: “no matter what the circumstances of your activity that is whether you like them or not, whether you are able to complete the task or not, but you must always be ahead, at the top, otherwise you will be ignored, stop loving and your place in the heart of your parents will take another!”

What can I recommend in this case? I recommended that the young couple should not make the excessive demands on their children (especially the younger one, who suffered so much because her older sister was constantly cited as the example). Learn to look to the future. What kind of the relationship will develop between the siblings if their parents unwittingly provoke them to constant competition? The answer to this question is quite accurate that is they will not become warm; they will only be determined by the envy and the competition.

The only way out is not to use this method of influencing the children, because it will not bring the good results. However, this does not mean that the children should not be encouraged. Encourage! But do not draw the parallels like those that were abused by the young parents who came to me for advice.

Learn to establish warm, friendly relationships between the children. What you make them, such of them will remain. Who should do this if not you, the parents?