If the child does not get along with his brother or his sister

 

Why do the children quarrel

 

If there are some children in your family, the problem of their mutual understanding cannot help worrying you. As the practicing psychologist I can assert with the complete confidence that there is no the family in which the parents do not have to decide any conflicts between the brothers and the sisters.

Sad to say, but far not always the adults are on top. They react to the children’s quarrels screaming, punishing and not understanding in the situation.

Meanwhile, it is worth only analyzing the causes of the children’s quarrels to the parents breaking out every now and then, they can make a lot of the discoveries, for example, many children’s quarrels arise and are delayed due to the fault of their parents, who are not able to prevent and smooth out the conflict situations.

I suggest you check if you can be a family diplomat?

 

Test “My family and I”

1. Your children quarreled because of the new toy. Your actions are:

a) not thinking, I will punish both of them that is let them decide their problems;

b) I will intervene actively in their quarrels and threat to punish them;

c) I try to understand what could cause the quarrels.

2. There are some children in your family. Is there the favourites among of them?:

a) I try to attitude to them equally;

b) yes, this is the youngest kid or the oldest one, after all he requires the increased attention;

c)  I do not think that this question is so important.

3.  How do you attitude to the quarrels between your children:

a) I lose my patient because of them;

b) as a rule, do not interfere in the childlike conflicts;

c) I try to make the reasons for the quarrels as small as possible, in my opinion it is better for everyone this way.

4. Let us say that you did something wrong towards your children. Can you excuse in front of them?:

a) no way if I ask for the forgiveness it will undermine my authority;

b) I think if there is my guilty in happening, beg the pardon and correct misunderstanding is the necessity;

c) I do not know will it right…

5. Your son reproaches you in the fact that you love him less than his little sister-the baby. What do you respond to this statement?:

a) I cannot answer anything on it because I have had no such the situations;

b) when you were small I treated you the same way;

c) rather than make up any nonsense, help me change her clothes!

6. Do you agree with the statement that it is not necessary to interfere in the children’s quarrels?:

a) yes, I agree with this statement completely that is let them understand and learn the independence;

b) be sure to interfere in each of them that is I am a head of the family and my word is a law.

c) I will agree with the fact that my intervention is necessary but at the same time it is needed to give the possibility to the children to decide their problems independently.

7. Can you say with the clear heart: “My children love each other”:

a) undoubtedly;

b) I am not sure in it one hundred percent;

c) unfortunately, no.

 

The key to the test

	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
a	3	1	3	3	1	2	1
b	2	2	2	1	2	3	2
c	1	3	1	2	3	1	3

 

IF YOU HAVE SCORED FROM SEVEN TO TEN BALLS your attitudes with the children quite safe or close to becoming them. Of course, there is no the quarrels between the children in your family, but much less than in the most other families. You should continue in the same spirit and not to lose the trust that exists between you and your babies.

IF YOU HAVE SCORED FROM ELEVEN TO THIRTEEN BALLS you can be accused of the indecision and the desire to let the things take their course. If you change your behavior that you cannot wait for fulfilling your dream about the friendly family where every person is ready to help to other and be able to sympathize and empathize.

IF YOU HAVE SCORED FROM FOURTEEN TO TWENTY-ONE BALLS you take the role of a senior too actively who must interfere into all affairs of the children. You seemed that it is enough to say the loaded word of the adult person, and there are all the conflicts between the children inevitably, decide themselves. This is a fundamentally wrong position will inevitably lead to truly the tragic mistakes. Before it is too late – fix yourself. Start from yourself.

There is no the quarrels between the babies not in any family which has two or more children. This all is known not through hearsay for me that is the conflicts have arisen among of the children both in my family and in the families of my acquaintances. Certainly, they leave the unpleasant feelings. It seems that you are racing on the carousel at breakneck speed and your head is spinning that is the children constantly shift their responsibility for the quarrels to each other, you try to understand what is happening, but only have time to put out the conflict, as it breaks out with the new force. And everything starts again.

In such the situations, it is very difficult to play the role of a peacemaker, to be objective and fair, especially when the nerves are already at the limit due to the events of the current day. How often we want to shout at the instigator of the quarrel in the heart, or even at both the children without understanding who is to blame. Yes and the desire “to put your hand” sometimes appears too...

 

And right now take your thick red pencil and cross out the previous paragraph. Forget about all these “difficult” and “want” that is if you are concerned about children’s problems seriously, this is not for you. Before giving the vent to your anger, try to understand the reasons for the quarrel.

 

I will open the secret to you that basically all the quarrels between the children arise from the fact that they did not divide anything. The question only in the fact what exactly that is either a bright interesting toy, a book with the colourful pictures or... your attention.

“So, – you will ask, it will only be enough to divide all the things that can cause the quarrel fairly between the children and the reason will disappear for it?” If only it were that simple…

 

How to divide the toys

The situation that I will be describing at the moment, meets too often actually in every family. In addition it has an unpleasant tendency to repeat itself with the enviable persistence.

Everything starts quite peacefully that is the mother does household chores and the children play the daughters-mothers nearby… And suddenly the quarrel and crying! What happened? They did not divide the toy again! And this can happen for some time a day. You realize very soon that your nervous system is not able to withstand another childish quarrel... And it does not withstand that is you break out and the children experience the full force of your negative emotions.

Is this situation familiar? Let us try to find a decent exit from it. The fact that you start raising your voice to the children immediately is not a way out of the situation. Yes and you will save your nerves if you behave in such the cases differently.

First of all, it is necessary to do this way that the cause for the quarrels appears as rarely as possible. This is not so easy, but it is worth trying.

 

The main reason for the conflicts between children is the fact that you have not taught them to share with each other, made them jealous of each other at some point. It is necessary to correct the situation immediately, without postponing it for later.

 

When you give the new toys or the books to the children, be sure to remind them “this is for both of you ”, and not in any case not in such the way as the mothers and the fathers usually do “this is for you, and that is for you”. Let the children realize that the gift is intended for two; they have the equal rights to it and must recognize that. If this method does not work, try to do something different. First, give the same toys to the children, since they [the toys] cannot provoke a sense of the envy in the children which the conflicts causes from, and then proceed to buy one toy or a book for two.

The proposed actions are preventive that is warning the quarrels. And if has the conflict already arisen? How to do so that it would be exhausted itself as quickly as possible.

There are some ways for deciding this problem?

 

For example, a young mother does so when she notices that there will be the quarrel between the children, she tries switching their attention to something else quickly.

One day I managed to watch her actions. As soon as little Masha and Olya began to quarrel because of the book with the colourful pictures, she invited them to play hide and seek. The girls were distracted and left the ill-fated book alone. The incident was over.

 

Such the actions are suitable to stop the quarrel. But the parents need to take care not only to prevent the conflicts between the children, but also to eliminate completely the causes of their occurrence.

Teach their children give into each other and let them play and read altogether.

For example tell any stories about the friendship to them, about the fact that people put up with each other and you will see that this will start bringing its fruits little by little.

…And still, if the quarrels occur over the toys or the books, it is easy to establish the peaceful relations between the children. It is more difficult to do this if the cause of the conflicts in the fact that one of the children feels deprived of the parental attention. And I will propose to tell about it more detail.

The attention is not a toy that is to divide it [the attention], oh, how it is difficult! The kid feels the slightest injustice on your part immediately that can be the reason of the quarrel.

 

Before you slap the kid in a hurry for the fact that he had a fight with his brother, or separate both of them in the corners, figure out where the fault of the children, and where is yours. And depending upon the situation, try to change the style of your behavior with them. This will do more good than constant punishing and swearing.

 

Note that the child behaves with their siblings differently, depending on the fact that he is eldest or youngest in the family, the parents’ favorite or not.

Taking into account, you can prevent many conflicts between the children.