How to respond to the disobedience

 

All the parents turn to the psychologist asking for the question that is how to react the disobedience? Three main tactics exist:

1. Ignore the child’s behavior that is not to pay the attention.

The story is, in my opinion, anecdotal. The young mother turns to me for helping. Her six-months-old girl wakes up and cries during the night. As a result neither the girl herself, nor her mother and her father slept at the nights. What is the matter? Maybe, is the baby ill? No, it turns out that the mother has tried to ignore the behavior of the kid. She did not get up, did not come to the childlike bed and did not rock, only was sitting on her bed nearby her little daughter and cried quietly from the impotence. In response to my question “Why did she not approach her daughter?” – the mother of the girl replied that she can get used to it and she will think that I will come to her all the time.

2. To distract the kid that is to shift the child’s attention by showing or giving him to understand something interesting. This is one of the most widespread ways if the case concerns very young children. The punishments are not applicable yet to them because they cannot establish a causal relationship between their action and the punishment. But there are very, very persistent in achieving quite the dangerous goals that is to climb on the table, to get a cup of something hot and so on.

3. To punish that is to spank, to scold, to put in the corner and so on.

After determining the cause of the disobedience, think about whether the problem can be solved peacefully that is it is sometimes simply enough review your relationships. And in this case it is very important to determine as far as your demands are legitimate. Don’t they violate the rights of the child? Perhaps, many parents will be surprised about what exactly the rights of such the baby can be discussed. After all he is helpless, does not know and cannot anything yet, completely depends on us and is our property. Everything is properly, but however this is not so. Janusz Korczak also wrote about the rights of the kid and highlighted the following three as the main ones:

1. The right of the child for the death.

2. The right of the kid for today.

3. The right of the child to be what he is.

“The fear for the child’s life is connected to the phobia of the injury, however the dread of the maim is linked to the cleanliness and the guarantee of the healthy; here the band of the prohibitions is transferred to the new wheel that is the cleanliness and the safety of the dress, the stockings, the tie, the gloves and the shoes. The hole is no longer in the forehead, but on the knees of the trousers. Not the health and the welfare of the kid, but our vanity and our pocket. The new range of the orders and the prohibitions is caused by our own convenience”, - Korczak wrote. And actually look around.

 

Here is the mother brought the daughter in the brand new jeans and the same T-shirt at the playground. Both the mother and the girl were elegant, happy and satisfied. Five minutes passed and a grimace of the anger deformed the mother’s face: “Masha, do not climb on the hill up, you have your clean trousers. Masha, I said to whom! Come here! Well, here, already soiled, such Rubbish! Let’s go home quickly!”

 

And there are many such the cases. But is it possible to say that the child does not obey? If he came to play and he played, and did not stand as a pillar next to his mother.

Thus, the first question is whether your demands are legitimate?

The second question is whether is it possible to raise the kid while avoiding the punishment?

The third question is if it is worth punishing, then how, in what cases, using which methods?

It is not the secret for no one that our attitude to the children, the methods of the education and the punishment in particular are largely due to the family traditions. How often we can hear the phrase: “I was educated in severity and my child will not grow up spoiled”; “I always obey my mother and my daughter must humble herself with it” and so on.

This also happens otherwise. The adult person remembers his parental home with the dislike and he thinks that he will be all right on the contrary. For example, in the legendary Nikitin family not everyone adheres to his father’s methods of the education that is the hardening, the early development and etc. In one of the interviews one of the children noticed with the bitterness that their family was so popular in its time that the delegations, the journalists and the scientists had come to them every day; and they suffered so mush feeling like “the guinea pig”. Afterwards, creating your home, some wanted to continue their father’s work, while others wanted to become as much as possible so that they had “an ordinary family”.

The parents sometimes plan to bring up their kid so that to eliminate their own shortcomings in him. The father thinks: “Here is I went for sports not enough from the childhood, but my son will certainly be physically developed”. At the same time no one worries that the boy can have a father’s constitution, and a kind of sports will be very difficult for him. At the same time I do not say that your kid does not need to be engaged, but you should not demand and punish in those cases where the child is not able to meet your over-expectations. Give him the right to be who he is.

In all the cases above, the influence of the family is obvious.

For one reason or another, the most parents agree that if the child does not obey, he should be punished.

But is it possible to raise the kid avoiding the punishment? And if it is worth punishing how, in what cases and what methods by?

 

The punishment

 

More often towards the child the adults use the following kinds of the punishments:

1. The physical punishment (the flog, the slaps and the pulling of hair and so on).

2. The punishment of the isolation (standing in the corner, locking in the room, in the bath, in the toilet, in the closet, refusing the contact and others).

3. The verbal punishment (the threats and the humiliation).

4. The punishment with a work.

5. The punishment with the deprivation of the pleasure.

Let us understand each kind of the punishment singly.