One of the most effective methods of influencing the child is the personal example of the parents. As you will behave, so your children will treat each other.

 

Once I was approached by a young mother with a complaint that, despite all the persuasions, the son and the daughter constantly quarrel with each other. I asked the permission to come to her house, and this is what I saw there that is as soon as the conflict situation matured between the kids, the mother began to persuade them. But what were these persuasions! By and large, the mother said exactly the right things about not being mad at each other and loving each other. But all this was said in such the raised tones that it probably left doubt in the children’s souls that the mother does as she says herself.

This behavior is clearly unacceptable. If you try to instill the idea in the children that they should love, take care and protect each other, talk about it calmly. It is difficult to convince the children that it is wrong to quarrel with a loud voice that breaks into a scream. In addition, the aggressive behavior of the parents can lead to the fact that the children will unite “in the face of a common enemy” is the adults.

 

Remember that for your children, you are the example, the authority, and it is you that they were eager to copy. It is surely you have already seen this picture that is a little daughter with a doll in her hands goes to the TV, which she is strictly forbidden to turn it on herself, and says to the doll: “No-no!” you have told her just like.

What do I use this example for? To the fact that if you want to teach the kids to love each other, be an example for them. It has long been noticed that in the families where the parents have developed the relationship based on deep mutual affection, care and respect, the children, copying their parents, are also attentive to each other. I cannot say that in such the families there are no the conflicts between the children at all. However, if the quarrels do occur, they are resolved much easier and more painless than in the families where the relationship between the parents cannot be called favorable for creating a healthy psychological climate.

So, we talked about the quarrels between the children in the family. I hope this conversation will help you reconsider some aspects of parenting. Remember that while the children are still young, you can teach them to be attentive to each other, loving, kind and responsive.

The education is a long process. Do not expect that you will be able to achieve the desired result immediately, without effort. I advise you to be patient. And not just wait, but try to bring the moment when you can say that the children have become more tolerant of each other, have learned to forgive, help and be the best protectors for each other.

Part 7

IF THE KID IS ISOLATED

THE REASONS FOR THE CLOSURE

 

The child’s isolation can be caused by the various reasons. It can be associated with the psychological characteristics of the baby, the subtlety of its mental organization, the richness of his inner world. The child prefers to be alone, he is more willing to take up the activities that require privacy that is sculpts with the pleasure, draws and constructs... The parents should be extremely careful in this case and sensitive to their baby. Therefore, the anxiety caused with the fears that something is wrong with him is completely unnecessary. The desire, before it is too late, to re-educate the child, a rude intrusion into the fragile world of his dreams and the fantasies can seriously harm his development, and then he will really hide in his shell and withdraw into himself.

Another thing is when the isolation of the baby is caused by the fatigue, the malaise, a quarrel with a close friend and the problems in communicating with the peers. In such the situations, the parents need to find out the reason for a sharp change in the child’s mood carefully and try to help him survive less painfully this period.

A fairly common phenomenon is considered to be the isolation of the only child in the family. Deprived of the company of the brother or the sister, forced to often play alone, he gets the wrong attitude to communicate, and his communication abilities sometimes develop poorly.

 

The situation is aggravated by the disunity of the adults who, taking the advantage of the benefits of the modern civilization, replace full-fledged communication with the short conversations on the phone. Not seeing the parents’ need to communicate with the relatives and the friends, the child also ceases to strive to establish the contacts with those who around him.

 

The reason for the isolation of the baby can be the wrong behavior of the parents. Analyze how you behave with your child. Do you pay the attention to him enough? Maybe you are always busy, you do not have the time to play with the baby, but even talk to him or at least listen to him? And has it not ever happened that the kid ran to you, happy to show what a beautiful stone he found during a walk to you, what a car he made out of a constructor, what a bear he made, and you cut him off abruptly or even shouted at him just because he interrupted you from watching your favorite TV series or an exciting football match? Maybe you are constantly expressing the dissatisfaction with his actions, suggesting that he does wrong everything that is he speaks too loudly or quietly, always hurries or hesitates, does not walk like this or does not sit like this...

If something like this happens in your family, you need to change your attitude to the child and then he will stop withdrawing into himself.

The reasons for the child’s isolation can be suggested with his drawings. Ask your child to draw your family without explaining what you mean with it. Let him choose what to draw. The exercise makes the sense to conduct starting at the age of four.

How the child portrayed himself:

1) A very large figure (larger than all the others) can mean that he is somewhat spoiled.

2) On the contrary, a small figure too (the smallest, especially if it is not the smallest in the family) can mean that the child evaluates his role in the family as insignificant; but maybe the kid just emphasizes how small he is compared to the others.

3) The kid is separated from their mother, their father and other family members that is he cannot get the attention enough, and the child can feel isolated from the others.

4) He drew himself in the family circle, everybody is holding the hands, so there is a friendly atmosphere in the house, or the child really wants it to be so (especially if the family is really not all well).

5) All the relatives are drawn in the different rooms that are this is a reason to think that is do you spend enough time together, do you communicate fully and does each of you live your own life?

Note the following features of the drawing:

1) Instead of the relatives, the child draws the toys, the animals, the non-existent siblings, the grandparents, etc.; he sometimes adds them to the real family members or start his drawing with them that is this can mean that the child is not satisfied with the existing relationship, he lacks something.

2) Instead of the family, just a house without people or an extraneous picture is drawn that is maybe the child did not understand what was wanted from him, or he did not have the desire and the mood to draw; try to ask him to draw the family another time, when he will be more disposed to it;

3) The size of the figures of some family members does not correspond to the actual ratio of their values that is this can indicate an understatement or the exaggeration of the importance of these family members for the child;

4) When drawing, the child presses the pencil hard, even breaks through the paper, all the figures are very small, the drawing is strongly shifted to one of the corners of the sheet that is all this can indicate the increased anxiety of the child (do not get confused in this case, but it is better to consult the child psychologist).

 

Please also note that the features of the child’s drawing can depend on how he was taught to draw (for example, how he was taught to place the shapes on the sheet). In any case, do not rush “to make a diagnosis”, remember that the results of your observations are just an excuse to think about the features of your relationship with your child.

 

So, you realized that the child’s isolation is a consequence of your lack of sensitivity to him. Let us try to understand the reasons for what happened together.

Having got used to the fact that the parents constantly leave the communication, shut themselves off from him under the pretext that they have no the time, or openly declare that they are not interested in it, the baby begins to restrain his emotions, the experiences, he does not try to talk to his parents, and when asked about something, he is limited to the short answers. He is used to thinking that everything he does is wrong, that he only gets of the adults in the way, gets in the way of them; he is afraid that you will get angry, yell, and punish him for something.

This situation is typical for the families in which the communication between the parents and the child is reduced almost to a minimum. This, unfortunately, is a widespread phenomenon of the modern reality, associated with the accelerated pace of the life, the professional employment of working the fathers and the mothers. In addition, in the evenings, the adults always have some chores around the house, in which the child does not take any part. They [the parents] often tell him not to interfere and to play in another room.

Many parents, providing the child with the best living conditions, taking care of his health, lose sight of the need for the baby to be in the close contact with his mother and the father. The parents buy beautiful and interesting toys or some kind of the pet for him, as long as he had interfered, would not bother with the constant questions and the requests. So the child plays alone in his room. The parents are at home, but the baby does not feel their presence that is they are not with him, but somewhere near, everyone is busy with their own affairs. Such the parental love is devoid of the feelings, and the child suffers greatly from this, because the games no matter how entertaining they would be, and the communication with a four-legged friend would not be replace the attention of the parents.

 

Even the adult feels the need to express their own emotions. In the child, this need is much stronger that is he just begins to live, every day, every minute bring him so much new, interesting and unusual! The baby just needs to share the impressions, the feelings and the emotions...

 

Imagine a situation like this that is an excited toddler with the gleaming eyes runs up to the father, who is sitting comfortably in a chair with a newspaper, and shows his drawing to him: “Dad, look, what a tank I drew!” Dad, without looking up from reading, says: “You are doing great!” The kid does not let up: “Dad, you did not even look!” After a minute, the father casts a fleeting glance at the piece of paper that the baby is holding in his hand, and says: “Beautiful.” The boy asks: “Dad, let us draw together.” And the father, turning on the TV, says, “We will do it tomorrow, but now the father has no the time, do not bother.” The father persists in refusing to listen to the child’s further entreaties, and the boy, with the bowed head and the eyes full of the tears, trudges to his room.

You can vary this situation indefinitely that is in the place of the father can be the mother, in the place of the boy – a girl, instead of the TV can be an iron, a soft refusal can be replaced by the rude shout or the slap on the head. One thing remains common that is the parents’ unwillingness to hear their child, as a result of which he suppresses his desires and the emotions. And this can seriously damage not only the overall development of the baby, but also his health, because even the adult is recommended by the doctors from time to time to vent their emotions in order to prevent the nervous disorders.

Note, however, that it also matters how often such the scenes are repeated. The parents, when they come home from the work, still have to do some household chores. In addition, they also need rest. And if the cases of the inattention to the child occur quite rarely and are random, there is no the reason for the special concern. The excessive care for the child, constant, even sometimes and the intrusive attention to him can also harm his upbringing, indirectly affect the family climate. The child must understand that the parents have the certain responsibilities that must be fulfilled that is if the mother, instead of washing or cooking, goes to play with him, then everyone, and he himself, too, will have to walk in the dirty clothes, stay hungry.

 

The child should understand that everyone has the right to rest and a favorite activity that is the parents get tired of the work and household chores, and if they do not rest, they can get seriously ill... The main thing that is do not yell at the child, and try to explain it in a calm tone to him.

 

The child needs to communicate with their parents not only to give the vent to the emotions, but also to constantly feel protected. Entering this huge and incomprehensible world for him, the baby needs the support of the parents, he needs to know that somewhere near there are the mother and the father, who will help at any moment, protect, save from a sudden surge of the fear. The peace of mind from the fact that the father is the strongest in the world and the mother is the kindest and the most affectionate, is the great importance for the full development of the child’s personality.

If the parents remain indifferent to what the child tells them, do not pay the attention to his requests, he ceases to address them seemingly with the kid’s trivial problems. The day after the day, seeing the constant rush of the adults, the inability or the unwillingness to break from their worries away, the child gets used to playing alone and even does not try to get closer to their parents. As a result, in the very near future, the parents and the children cannot find the topics for the conversation, they have nothing to share, nothing to trust each other, because the son or the daughter used to solve their problems independently from an early age, knowing in advance that the mother or the father will still answer any question that they have no the time, that they do not have the time for such the nonsense.

 

This experience, acquired in the own family; can be transferred by the child to a wider circle of the communication outside the home. Afraid that nobody will listen to him, will understand, will want to play with him, the baby cannot find a common language with the peers, as a result, refuses to go for a walk, sits at home in front of the TV or in his room, surrounded with his favorite toys.

 

There are the cases when the child closes himself in because of the disagreements between the adults in matters of his upbringing. The father demands the unconditional obedience from the child, does not tolerate the objections, the mother can be persuaded, pitied, and there is nothing to say about the grandmother that is fulfills any desire of the beloved grandson or the granddaughter. Each of the caregivers believes their methods are the only correct ones, and it is often the quarrels arise between them about this. It is sometimes finding out which of them is right, and who is wrong takes place in front of the child, that this affects his development negatively. Considering the cause of the disagreements and the quarrels of the close people himself, the child so called “withdraws into himself”, trying to be on the eyes as little as possible and so closes himself in over time that it is very difficult to correct the situation.

To avoid such the problems, the parents should coordinate their parenting methods of upbringing of the child, and it is necessary to discuss and resolve the disputes in the absence of their kid.

 

THE POSITIVE ATTITUDE

 

If you do not pay the attention to the isolation of the baby in time, the kid can grow into an insecure personwith the numerous complexes. Therefore, if you care about the fate of the child, try to change the attitude to him that is you should pay as much the attention to the baby as possible, do not hesitate to show the tender of the feelings openly and exactly the children of any age, and especially younger preschool children need the parental tenderness and the affection very much.

The statement of the Russian teacher of the nineteen century P.F. Kapterev will not cease to be relevant any ever: “The affection, the love, the tenderness is one of the most urgent needs for the child; the kid will endure underfeeding more easily than deprive of the affection. The child wilts and deteriorates without the love and the affection. And he can find only in the family this love.”

 

The full development of the child, his physical and spiritual growth is possible only in a happy family, where there is an atmosphere of mutual understanding and the love. Only such the family can give a sense of happiness to the child, set him up to achieve the success in the future.

The closest person to the child is the mother. It mostly depends on her how the relationship will develop in the family. It is only the mother who should make sure that everyone would feel the important and the needs to communicate with their loved ones. This will make the family “the family” in the full sense of the word, where “seven I’s” and each “I” feels like a part of the total; each “I” understands and accepts, and if one “I” is bad, bad and all the rest, and if one “I” am happy, everybody is happy around.

All the parents, of course, love their children, take care of them, but they show these feelings in the different ways. Someone is soft in the treatment of their beloved child, someone is unnecessarily strict and harsh, but somehow they pursue the only goal that is the good of the kid. The child, especially at an early age, finds it difficult to understand the excessive strictness of his favorite parents; he often perceives it as an expression of dislike.

 

For example, one four-years-old girl was very upset when her mother called her Nastya instead of Nastenka. She withdrew into herself immediately, and in response to my mother’s question: “What happened?” – she answered: “You scold me.” Therefore, the adults need to understand that external manifestations of the love for the child are very important.

 

The external expression of the parental love plays an important role in the development of the child’s personality, in the formation of their moral qualities. Try to address the children as gently as possible and find the kind words for them. For example: “my good”, “my favorite”, “my dear”, “what would I do (did) without you”, “you are my assistant”, “everything will work out for you”, “do not worry that is I am with you”, “how glad I am that you are doing everything”... This will help to realize his own need, feel self-confidence, and warm his soul to the child.

Do not think that this will make your baby spoiled and pampered. Such the appeal to the child at an early age is necessary for the full development of his personality. Moreover, it is very important that such the appeals are used in the family, not only in relation to the baby, but also between the adults. It is difficult to argue with the teacher P.F. Kapterev, who stated: “If the child from the very moment when he consciously opened his eyes sees that first of all the father thinks about the mother, the mother – about the father, and both of them – together about him, the kid, then the beginning of his correct upbringing is laid.”

In the future, the child will build the relationships in the groups in which he will be located (the kindergarten, the school, a group of the friends) on this stereotype and later, being the adult, and relationships in his own family.

But one thing is the affectionate treatment of the baby, and quite another one is the attitude to the child as an idol, the permissiveness. Every person, especially a small one, needs love. But the love is reasonable, making him better. When we talk about the importance and necessity of the maternal love for the normal mental development of the baby, we must distinguish love clearly from indulging any desire of the child.

The child does not know the world which he has come into. He absorbs the impressions greedily, turning them into the own program of the behavior. If this experience will contain an idea of the constant readiness of the relatives to fulfill all his desires, all his whims from the first days of the life, then when communicating with a wider circle of people, he will expect the same attitude from all around him. Will these expectations be met? Will such the ideas about the human relationships meet the requirements that the life will present to him?

 

Do not turn your love into indulging all the whims of your beloved child, otherwise in the future he will turn into a real domestic tyrant, which can interfere with his communication with other people seriously, whom he will also seek to impose his will to.

 

It happens that the spoiled children are no less withdrawn than the children deprived of the attention of their parents. The unwillingness of others to “play with their rules” causes the aggression is hidden or overt in them. Such the children are able to cut up the most beautiful mother’s dress quietly in protest; coming to visit, throw the tantrum because of the fact that a unfavourite dish is served to the dinner; catch all the fish in the aquarium and feed them to the cat. Therefore, dear parents, in raising the child, try to adhere to “the golden mean” that is do not deprive the baby of your attention, but do not indulge all his whims.

In order for your child not to be closed, often invite any guests to your house. The baby must get used to the company of completely the different people. The games, the communication with the children and the adults in a relaxed home environment will gradually develop the need for the communication, and you, being closer, will teach him to behave correctly and naturally in a team at the same time.

For the child of the preschool age, the communication with the peers is especially useful, which contributes to his full development primarily through the games in which he learns to interact with others, tries on the roles as various as social (for example, playing the mother-daughter, shopping, etc.).