If there had been computers in 1776

Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is essential that we complete this Declaration of Independence.

Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here.

Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go on without you. Has everyone had a chance to look at the draft I e-mailed you yesterday?

Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas. My mail server has been down.

Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a printout.

Mr. Sherman: Thanks! Saaaaay, nice font!

Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies Online just last week.

Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear our document will soon leak out.

Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a bootleg circulating. I saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.sucks last night.

Mr. Franklin: @#$$%^$# blue screen of death!

Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 75. It solved that problem for me.

Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of Pretended Legislation — have you considered using bullets to air out the text?

Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough. Drat! I've spilled candle wax on my keyboard again.

Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn't happen if you'd upgrade to an LCD monitor.

Mr. Franklin: 'Insert system disk and reboot'?!? Aw, criminy!

Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it's "unalienable rights"? My spellchecker recommends "unassailable."

Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance of the document, please? Shoot. Low battery. Anyone got a spare power cable?

Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No, mine isn't compatible.

Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What does it mean when the computer beeps 4 times in a row on startup? OK, I'll hold.....

Mr. Livingston: The "In Congress" part here at the top — have you thought about blowing that up really big and maybe centering it in 72 point Helvetica?

Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word macro virus! I can't save the file.

Mr. Franklin: That's all right, Thomas. We can manage. Here, borrow my quill pen.

Yesterday

Sing this to the tune of the Beatles' song "Yesterday"

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a millstone hanging over me.
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

 

VIRUS ALERT If you receive an email titled "I Hate You," delete it immediately. Do not open it. It contains a virus. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on all of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number.<P> This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your significant other behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the "I HateYou" message is opened in a Windows95/98 environment, itwill leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. It is insidious. It is destructive. It is also a rather interesting

shade of mauve.