Difficult Children can be Taught to Have Concern for Others

by Paul D. Hastings, Dana Bridges

Researchers investigated the role of mothers in teaching kids how to have concern for others. While genetics certainly play a role in children's behavior, the results of the work discussed in this article show that warm and supportive parenting may play an important role in promoting children's ability to have concern for others.

Researchers followed three groups of children from preschool into the elementary, school years. These children initially had low, moderate or high levels of aggressive and disruptive behaviors.

When the children were four and-a-half and six and-a-half years old, their responses were observed while their mothers and a female experimenter pretended to injure their foot while dropping some objects on the floor. In each case, the adult expressed pain and rubbed the injured area. In addition, at six and-a-half years, mothers, teachers and the children answered questions about the children's concern.

The investigation revealed that at preschool age, aggressive and disruptive children showed just as much concern in their responses to adults' distress as did children with fewer problems. However, the concern for others of the children with the highest levels of problem behaviors underwent dynamic and worrisome changes over the following two years.

The authors noted that not all of the highly aggressive and disruptive children's concern for others decreased and that children with early behavior problems actually improved from preschool to elementary school age when they had higher levels of concern. Concern for others may make it possible for children to take responsibility for their actions, according to the researchers.

"Our results also show important links between parenting style and children's pro-social development," said the authors. The children had greater concern for others when mothers were

warm

used reasoning

set appropriate guidelines and

avoided the use of harsh punishments.

Although fathers were not looked at in this study, the authors say future studies should consider how fathers might influence children's concern for others.

Citing research that shows genetics play a significant role in empathic and pro-social development, the authors speculate that biological factors could also contribute to the changes in concern observed in the high-risk children. This is something more in-depth research should address.

 

SPEAK OUT

 

Argue for and against the following statements:

a) Parents should not want to be regarded by their chil­dren as their friends and equals.

b) Children are being 'pushed' into adulthood too early.

c) With diminishing parental control, many youngsters are reaching maturity without learning the hard lessons of life. And having had their way too often they are unable and unwilling to accept with equa­nimity the inevitable reverses in later life.

d) 'A child can be told everything — everything! One must never conceal anything from children on the pretext that they are too little and it is too early for them to know things' Dostoievsky.

 

 

Presentations.

1.Dealing with difficult children.

2.Like father like sons.

3.Generation gap

4.Bringing up a better child

5.Punishing children

 

 

UNIT 5

LIFE SPAN

DISCUSSION

– Are young people generally more selfish than their parents and grandparents? Does age make you more aware of and caring for others?

– Most countries give young people rights as they reach a certain age. Do you think that any of the age limits need changing?

– Some people think you should give something to society before tyou have the right to join it. Should young people have to do some form of military or community service by law?

– If people are still able to (and want to) work, should they have to retire when they reach a certain age? Explain your opinion.

– In most countries compulsory education is targeted at 5–16 years old. Would it be better to offer it to pensioners who want to learn rather than young people who prefer not to be in school? Explain your opinion.

– Many countries are facing the problem of “aging population”, i.e. there will soon be more old people than young people. What problems will this cause? What can be done to prepare for them?

– What is your ideal age to live to?

 

VOCABULARY

the older/younger/new/working/retired generation	to institute old - age allowances
elderly people (the elderly, the aged)	to allow/to give senior citizens free rides (on buses)/discounts (for theatres)
senior citizens = OAC =old age citizens	retirement/old - age benefits
oldster (infml, often humor.), oldies	life expectancy
youngster (teenager, teen)	average life span (for males/females)
to enter adolescence/adulthood	longevity
to come of age	to lengthen the life span
to bridge the gap between generations	upsurge in the elderly population
filial ingratitude	flower children (hippies)
parent - filial contradictions	beatniks
lack of understanding	punks
to abandon one’s elderly parents	yuppies
to split up	foster home
to break up	act of chivalry
to restore understanding (family ties)	The Third Age
to support one’s elderly parents	a Third Age student
regard for the elderly	age discrimination (ageism) (agism)
care for the elderly	to revere one’s olds
to be a burden for sb	to respect one’s elders
pensioner	to have respect for one’s seniors
to retire on pension	over sixty - five - year - olds
pension rates	under fifteen
old age pension/retirement pension	constant rise (drop, fall) in longevity
OAP = old age pensioner	senility, senile
homes for the elderly/old people’s homes	centenarian
nursing homes	untimely death
to place an elderly person in a nursing home	gerontology
deprivations of old age	as fit as a fiddle
poverty - stricken old people	alive and kicking
decrepitude	the University of the Third Age = USA = third - age university
decrepit	to venerate age

 

READING 1

THE FAMILY THAT CLIMBS TOGETHER: The Darby family - son John (left), mother Kathy (right), and [below] dad Phil, sister Kathy, and son Joshua - enjoy wall-climbing together.

ANDY NELSON - STAFF

The disappearing generation gap

Parents and kids today dress alike, listen to the same music, and are friends. Is this a good thing?

By Marilyn Gardner | Staff writer of The Christian Science Monitor

Sometimes, when Tom Krattenmaker and his 16-year-old daughter, Holland, listen to rock music together and talk about pop culture – interests they both enjoy – he recalls his more-distant relationship with his parents when he was a teenager.

"I would never [have said] to my mom, 'Hey, the new Weezer album is really great – how do you like it?' " says Mr. Krattenmaker, of Yardley, Pa. "There was just a complete gap in sensibility and taste, a virtual gulf."

Music was not the only gulf. From clothing and hairstyles to activities and expectations, earlier generations of parents and children often appeared to revolve in separate orbits.

Today, the generation gap has not disappeared, but it is shrinking in many families. The old authoritarian approach to discipline – a starchy "Because I said so, that's why" – is giving way to a new egalitarianism and a "Come, let us reason together" attitude.

The result can be a rewarding closeness among family members. Conversations that would not have taken place a generation ago – or that would have been awkward, on subjects such as sex and drugs – now are comfortable and common. And parent-child activities, from shopping to sports, involve an easy camaraderie that can continue into adulthood.

No wonder greeting cards today carry the message, "To my mother, my best friend."

But family experts caution that the new equality can also have a downside, diminishing respect for parents.

"There's still a lot of strict, authoritarian parenting out there, but there is a change happening," says Kerrie Laguna, a mother of two young children and a psychology professor at Lebanon Valley College in Annville, Pa. "In the middle of that change, there is a lot of confusion among parents."

Family researchers offer a variety of reasons for these evolving roles and attitudes. They see the 1960s as a benchmark. Dramatic cultural shifts led to more open communication and a more democratic process that encourages everyone to have a say.

"My parents were on the 'before' side of that shift, whereas today's parents, the 40-somethings, were on the 'after' side," explains Krattenmaker, news director at Swarthmore College. "It's much easier for 40-somethings and today's teenagers to relate to one another. It's not a total cakewalk for parents these days, because life is more complicated, but [sharing interests] does make it more fun to be a parent now."

Parents and children as friends

"Fun" is, in fact, a word heard far more frequently in families today than in the past, when "duty" and "responsibility" were often operative words.

Parents today are more youthful in appearance and attitudes. From bluejeans to blow-drys, their clothes and hairstyles are more casual, helping to bridge the sartorial divide. Those who are athletically inclined also enjoy Rollerblading, snowboarding, and rock-climbing with their offspring.

For the past three years, Kathy and Phil Dalby of Arnold, Md., have spent at least one evening a week, and sometimes two, at a climbing gym with their three children. "It's great to be able to work together," Mrs. Dalby says. "We discuss various climbs and where the hard parts are. Sometimes that leads to other conversations, and sometimes it doesn't. We're definitely closer."

A popular movement with roots in the 1970s, parent effectiveness training, has helped to reshape generational roles. The philosophy encourages children to describe their feelings about various situations. As a result, says Robert Billingham, a family-studies professor at Indiana University, "Parents and children began talking to each other in ways they had not before."

On the plus side, he adds, these conversations made parents realize that children may have important thoughts or feelings that adults need to be aware of.

But Professor Billingham also sees a downside: Many parents started making decisions based on what their child wanted. "The power shifted to children. Parents said, 'I have to focus on making my child happy,' as opposed to 'I have to parent most appropriately.' "

Other changes are occurring as the ranks of working mothers grow. An increase in guilt on the part of busy parents makes them less eager to spend time disciplining, says Dr. Laguna of Lebanon Valley College.

Time-short parents also encourage children's independence, making them more responsible for themselves. "They'll say, 'We trust you to make the right decisions' [whether they're ready to assume the responsibility or not]," says Billingham.

The self-esteem movement of the past quarter-century has also affected family dynamics. Some parents worry that if they tell their child no, or impose limits, it will hurt the child's self-esteem.

Yet, parents who don't set rules risk becoming "so powerless in their own homes that they feel out of control and sometimes afraid," cautions Dennis Lowe, director of the Center for the Family at Pepperdine University in Malibu, Calif.

He believes that parents – in their eagerness to keep the peace and avoid arguments – miss an opportunity to teach children how to resolve conflicts, rather than simply avoiding them.

Although sensitive and democratic parenting has its advantages, Laguna expresses concern about "almost epidemic numbers" of children who have few boundaries or expectations.

Dr. Lowe and his wife, Emily, try to maintain structure and boundaries by taking a traditional approach with their children, ages 10 and 14. They also strive for a united front. Challenges arise, he says, when one parent wants an egalitarian relationship with a child, while the other parent wants to set limits.

"Probably the democratic approach is not bad in and of itself," Lowe says. "It's when it swings so far that it promotes lack of rules and structure and discipline for children. Problems also arise when it promotes overindulgence, sometimes in an effort to avoid 'harming' the relationship, rather than teaching children moderation and the limits of life."

Overindulgence, Lowe says, can actually be a sign of neglect – neglecting values, neglecting teaching opportunities, and neglecting the relationship. To be successful, people need an appreciation for rules and limits.

To give their own children that appreciation, the Lowes discuss everything from the kind of movies the children can watch to what is realistic financially.

Lowe sees some parents trying to cultivate friendship with their children even at very early ages. And he knows families where children call parents by their first names. "Rather than 'Mom' or 'Dad,' you have a 7-year-old saying, 'Hey, Gary,' " he explains, adding that a lack of respect for parents could carry over into relationships with teachers, bosses, and others in positions of authority.

Growing understanding

Still, encouraging signs exist. Vern Bengtson, who has studied generational changes as coauthor of a forthcoming book, "How Families Still Matter," finds a greater tolerance for divergence between generations today than in the past.

"Because of my own rebellion in the '60s, and because of the way I grew out of it, I can better accept my son's desire for independence and the crazy and sometimes rebellious things that he does," says Professor Bengtson of the University of Southern California, Los Angeles. "Based on my experience, he, too, will grow out of it."

As Dalby, the rock-climbing mom, looks around at friends and acquaintances, she is heartened to find that many people are far more open with the things they talk about with children. "There are a lot more dangers out there now. It's better to address them yourselves, because somebody will."

Where do families go from here?

"Parents have to be careful not to totally be their kid's buddy, because they still have to be the authoritarian and disciplinarian," Krattenmaker says.

For her part, Laguna would like to see role distinctions that illustrate clearly who the adults are.

"I don't think we're swinging back to the 'good old days,' when parents ruled and children kept their mouth[s] shut," Billingham says. "We're swinging toward a balance, where parents once again are viewed as parents, and not as peers to their children. Children are being viewed as very loved and valued family members, but without the power or authority of the parents.

"If we can get this balance, where parents are not afraid to be parents, and parents and children put the family as their priority, we'll be in great shape. I'm very optimistic about the future."

 

READING 2

UNIVERSITIES OF THE THIRD AGE AND TRANSMISSION OF VALUES

(Giuseppe Dal Ferro, Translation by Cecilia Furin)

When the rhythm of production slows down and life purifies itself of any mystification, horizons widen, particular meanings are no longer sufficient, and mystery enters with its charm and tremor as an integral part of a person’s horizon. Talking of cultural institutions for adults and senior citizens means creating a cultural project different from that of state universities, precisely because the perspective is different. Perhaps it is necessary to pass from productive dynamics to the dynamics of civilisation, without opposition, in order to discover different roles within society, all equally necessary for a humane kind of life.

Before dealing with the main topic, the concept of ‘value’ in itself will be analysed. The question is how the Universities of the Third Age can help the students solve their problems and lead them to the social role of transmission of values that may be the most suitable for them within society. If the Universities were successful in attaining these goals, any ambiguity concerning these institutions could be avoided. Indeed, the Universities for Senior Citizens have sometimes been considered to be just a new illusion for people in trouble or a snobbish hobby for people with a lot of spare time. The concept of ‘University’ means an institution where culture is continuously created and not only repeated and spread.

1. Complexity of the term value

The term ‘value’ may be considered in relation to a person’s life and to society. In the first case, that is, in relation to a person’s life, scholars highlight two main aspects of values: the characteristic of being „stable conceptions of what is to be desired" and the characteristic of being the „driving force of action". A value is a point of reference for judgement and also a conviction according to which man acts. If a value lasts beyond the present moment (stable conception) and always has an open perspective, a symbolic character, it tends to become action by means of intentionality, and influences the selection of a specific goal, of the means to attain it and of the ways to behave, even though it does not automatically determine behaviour, which can include pleasure, preferences, moral obligations, desires, aims, needs, likes and dislikes. It is always possible to change something that is partial into an absolute value, therefore creating artificial values replacing those acquired in socialisation.

Moreover, values have a close relation with society: „A community of men would not be able to exist without a community of values" because values are the very constitutive basis of the historical identity of a people, performing some fundamental social functions in it: values „lead action, evaluation, justification, comparison between oneself and the others, so as to satisfy needs of adaptation, of self-defence of the ego, of self-fulfilment". Somebody has written that the values in a society may be compared to biologic chromosomes, granting identity and cohesion to a people. This second analysis sets the problem of the objectivity of values, even though within historicity. Values, which are rooted in the subjective world, become objective insofar as they are accepted by many people or even by a whole people through social inheritance and social interaction. When it first appears, a new value creates conflicts, then it enters into relationship with the others by means of partial convergence and becomes objective, that is, valid and universal for everybody. On the contrary, values without intersubjective validity finally go back to the private sphere, or they are modified until they achieve widespread assent. Beside a subjective and an objective analysis of values, a third one is possible, stemming from the perception of the values of totality, source of the system of meaning. Beyond partial values, within the landscape of existence, man perceives a unitary vision of reality and asks himself some questions: what is man? What can he know? What should he do? What can he hope in this world (political hope)? What can he hope beyond this world (religious hope)?. Within the framework of these questions, the problems of the meaning of life and of the fundamental direction of existence arise. These values of totality are not immediate, but they need to be interiorized through a kind of inner experience and freedom that are not common to mankind.

Before concluding, a fourth remark is necessary concerning the hierarchy of values. In the individual, as in society, values always have a hierarchy. Talking of absence of values in a society is incorrect, it is more correct to talk of changes in the hierarchy of values. „In order to make a revolution of values, a radical transformation is not necessary, the uprooting of one of the first values in the hierarchy may be enough". The hierarchy can be psychologically measured by means of the intensity, the universality, the cohesion with which the value is accepted, used and linked with other values by the individual. It is the importance of a value in the life of a person or of society that must be considered. The mobility of the hierarchy of values is typical of a puralistic society such as ours, where different social groups live together and are joined by the same values, even though these are accepted with different hierarchies. The complexity of the topic of values is evident, for the individual, as well as for different societies, and even more the complexity of the transmission of values from a generation to another. It is also clear why science often leaves out the problem of values, even though this always emerges together with the problem of goals.

2. Values in old age

In old age the need for meaning increases, because the need for ‘doing’ decreases. ‘Global’ questions become pressing, since the experience of life disillusions people, and other people’s approval proves more and more vain and interested. On the other hand, in the previous periods of life there was not the possibility of going into these global values thoroughly in a personal and conscious way, because they had been accepted spontaneously in most cases, without worrying about bringing them to life in the various aspects of existence. Many elderly are the expression of this difficulty: they are convinced that they are living old age only as a life which continues, where the youth remains a model. „After all, the senior would only be a diminished youth, and this is linked with faith in the doctors’ capacity to prolong life and in the therapeutic methods whose efficacy is considered ‘miraculous’. Present-day society, characterised by broadmindedness and instability caused by scientific, democratic and cultural revolutions, has released energies, initiatives and creativity, but it has also left to the individual the irksome task of ‘making unity’ within himself. How can the Universities of the Third Age help their students in this context? In my opinion, this goal estimates the value of these institutions and their meaning. The means that may be used to this purpose could essentially be three: the development of creativity, the recovery of the sense of mystery, and the use of symbolic language. First of all, as the years go by, a person tends to repeat and crystallize on usual behaviours and situations. Therefore life becomes fixed and ground to external certainties. On the contrary, creativity, which can be stimulated in many ways ranging from drawing to the innovative ability of arranging the furniture of one’s home in a new fashion, accustoms people to the risk of something new and to grasping the many facets of reality that are not always evident when they are approached for the first time. It is worth thinking about the different ways of considering a particular situation and about how useful this analysis can be in order to accept diversity. In the second place, experience presents gestures and things that are set aside as useless in a society which has invested everything in productivity. A handicapped person’s sorrow, a child’s happiness are unimportant facts from this viewpoint, even though from other viewpoints they can be important stimuli to accept mystery, that is what we do not know and do not think we can know. „If a stone has a reason for existing - said a mentally retarded girl played by Giulietta Masina in the movie La Strada - also my life must have one". By means of these experiences a person learns to accept diversity and develops an attitude of acceptance and hope. In the third place, symbolic language develops in the person and it always refers back to deeper meanings, because each event is a hint about the future. This language does not consume like the utilitarian one, it is rather the word of the knowledge of eternity taking form in art and in the sacred texts. Any discipline can be useful to these goals, provided it is performed according to some categories such as the interdependence of problems, the correlation of opposites, the recovery of what is apparently useless, the need for reconciliation, unity and peace with mankind and nature. This does not mean altering the scientific value of the disciplines, it rather means always placing them within the framework to which they belong and from which they draw their meaning. Romano Guardini has written: „Each thing is more than what it first seems to be. One may even think that mystery is part of clearness, and that it constitutes the profundity which the existing reality must have to avoid becoming an illusion; one may think that beings are made of mystery: things, events, and the whole event called ‘life’". At this school adult and senior citizens can become ‘wise’, namely people dealing with events without being intimidated and people convinced that there is a reason for everything, since what is lasting is not in relation to biological life but to the person. I always remember an eighty-year-old student who assiduously attended the lessons and repeatedly asked: „could you explain to me why I am content with a few things and death does not frighten me?". It was the conclusion of a life based on values giving meaning to existence. Old age had become the season of fruits, in which death is not the zero setting of life but its concluding moment. The presence of these people in contemporary society, characterised by high rates of conflicts and lack of confidence in the future and unprepared for grief and death, would already be a value of civilisation. Rather than doing they ‘radiate’, rather than dominating reality they manifest its value. This is why Africans assert that the death of an old person is the fire of a library, and why crowds of followers draw from Russian starcies and Indian gurus what they do not learn at school.

3. Transmission of values, role of old-age life

The change of values and of their hierarchy is a complex matter involving the whole person. There exists a close correlation between one’s idea of oneself, values, attitudes and behaviours. Unconventional behaviours can become social pressures leading to new attitudes or new needs. Previous values or their hierarchy may thus be brought up for discussion again.

There may be different types of changes: creation of new values or cancellation of others, alternation or increase in intensity and consistency, elaboration or new extension, making clear. Changes act as innovative forces; taking into account the aforementioned correlation, „the change of social position or role, the entrance into new groups, experiences, shocks and sufferings". Mass media as well can have a certain influence, in that they create artificial needs and even new values by repeating and fulfilling these needs. We ask ourselves whether in reality there is a transmission of values between the generations of our society, which is marked by swift transformations of habits and therefore of culture. We also wonder whether this transmission is useful and desirable.

The authors disagree about the first question: some speak of a „gap" between the generations, others discover a continuity. A possible explanation is that the former refer mostly to the sixties, the latter to the seventies. The position of those who deny the transmission of values is expressed by M. Mead: in „co-figurative" society, that is present-day society, in which the break in knowledge and way of life is evident, the old person is at the same level as the young person, because both know nothing of the way of life in the future, with the only difference that, contrary to the former, the latter learns quickly the new technologies and ways of life. „From the forties to the sixties, the whole world has changed rapidly and completely: the elderly look like emigrants in a new world which they only partly know. „The authors who highlight transmission remark how the children quote their parents with pleasure and hold them in great esteem, they succeed in life by adapting themselves and maintain behaviours which they learnt within the family. Nowadays, some scholars speak of „selective continuity and discontinuity." Between young people and adults there would be more continuity in the goals and in the value directions and more differences in the areas of external behaviour, namely in the ‘translation’ of values into attitudes and action. Answering the second question, the last position allows us to hypothesize the benefit of a social action going from values to action, beside the other one, already taken into account, going from behaviours to values. It is the assumption of the double dynamics of social change, which is at the same time development of civilisation and innovative progress. The global sociological process underlying these dynamics is the acculturation: when two cultures come into contact, a profound integration can develop between them, provided that, starting both from their own roots, they can express a new culture, different but also not totally alien to the previous ones. This process is not the mere prevalence of a culture over the other and not even the useful functional assimilation of a culture by another: it is a new reality stemmed from a positive meeting of the two previous cultures. This process implies a serious interiorization of the previous culture, through awareness, broadmindedness and dialogue. Social psychology warns us that a person who is unsure either retreats into his own ideas or sells himself off to others in order to succeed. Both positions are contrary to acculturation. If the Universities of the Third Age are able to think back over the experience of the elderly, so as to promote the interiorization of their old culture, distinguishing between expression and value, and if they are able to inform people about what is ‘new’, creating a positive attitude towards it and also amusement, the Universities will help the elderly to perform the important social role of cultural coding, which coincides with the civilisation process. It should be remarked that the transmission of values can be hampered by the lack of previous information, that is of the context explaining a particular situation or behaviour, or by emotional states also hampering relationships

That is why in the Universities there is the need for courses on the one hand, but also for seminars of thorough analysis or even better meetings with people from different generations on the other hand. There follows a question: in what way does this education to the transmission of values require a reorganisation of the Universities of the Third Age? First of all, there is a methodological problem and then a problem concerning contents. The method will start from the elderly’s experience of yesterday and today in order to present the problems in their dynamism. Old and new knowledge will be presented in a way as to always highlight the motivations, values and negative values underlying it, because only on these bases is it possible to create a transmission linking expressive forms and different behaviours. If an old person can open himself up to novelties with an „old heart", he will become a ‘transmitter’ of values, by means of the increase, intensity and consistency, elaboration or new extension, the making clear of the values of the new situation. Starting from particular situations ignored by current society (sorrow, gratuitousness, waiting, mystery) or from implicit needs yet unsolved (post-modern values), it is possible to make clear implicit values. Nevertheless, this task must be performed in an atmosphere of mutual understanding, without arrogance but shedding joy and hope in a society lived together without prerogatives.
There is also a problem concerning contents. Even though the courses can deal with any subject, an old person does not need either encyclopaedic knowledge or technical knowledge aimed at production. On the contrary, it is essential to ‘open windows’, stimulate thorough analysis, always paying attention to underlying values. Nevertheless, there are subjects that should be favoured; they are of two kinds: those concerning the cultural roots to be adopted at the level of conscience, and those opening up current horizons of values such as development, ecology, human rights, dialogue among cultures, peace. The former are necessary in order not to lose cultural consistency and identity, the latter are indispensable in that they underlie the existential questions of our society. It is significant that these perspectives coincide with the youths’ expectations. Anyway, each subject allows broadening and offers useful hints for reflection upon values.

4. Adjustment of the Universities

The Universities of the third Age were created to answer the elderly’s need to occupy their time and to be helped to plan about twenty years of life after retiring from work in a useful way for society. Nowadays, they must choose between becoming clubs to help the elderly lead a quiet and useful life or to qualify as new cultural institutions for adults and old people in the territory, aimed at ‘humanising’ the whole society. I believe that the aspirations for post-modern goods indicate the importance of the second way, or rather the necessity of distinguishing the two levels of intervention, since both are perhaps necessary. At this point, it is also necessary and correct towards the users of the Universities to make a distinction of names.

 

READING 3

From The Times September 4, 2008

Why are men unfaithful?