Psychotherapist Gael Lindenfield examines the role of grandparents today.

 

No one warned me that in my early 40s, I would start cooing longingly into prams. I was totally unprepared to meet this new aspect of myself. My own nest had just emptied and I was eagerly filling the 'vacuum' with innumerable career and globe-trotting adventures. Admittedly the master vision for the rest of my life did include a few happy granny and grandpa scenes, but they were more distant and more a family joke than a serious prediction. So this strange primitive urge to extend my family into another generation was both perplexing and even a little irritating.

When the right time came, I had, of course, every intention of becoming a conscientious, involved grandparent. But that was more about doing the right thing for the children than fulfilling a deep instinctive need of my own. As a psychotherapist, I am hyper-aware of how life-transforming a good relationship with a grandparent can be. It offers so much more than treats, extra quality time and cheap nannying. Good grandparents help build psychological security by making their grandchildren feel part of a much wider, diverse and stable supportive family network. They also give them a sense of their place in history and evolution and give their life a meaningful sense of perspective.

Even when we reach adulthood, our psychological health can be affected by the relationship that we may or may not have had with our grandparents. I frequently work with people who have (to put it mildly!) a less than perfect relationship with their own parents. Many times I have been able to help people heal emotionally by simply reawakening a cherished memory of a much happier and more unconditionally loving relationship with a grandparent.

Alan was, in his own words, 'a hopeless case of workaholism'. He still felt driven by trying to please his ambitious, perfectionist father. But, fortunately, I discovered that he had also received a much more unconditional kind of love from his calmer, happier and affectionate grandfather. Putting a photo of his grandad on his desk helped Alan keep his promise to himself to maintain better balance in his life.

Similarly, another client, Angela, had very low self-esteem. We found that by just recalling her grandmother's look of pure joy when she used to greet her after school each day. Angela could give herself a powerful boost of confidence whenever she needed it.

Until I became a grandparent myself, however, I never appreciated how important Alan and Angela must have been for the happiness and welfare of their grandparents.

Nowadays, the chances of children and grandparents having such intimate, mutually satisfying relationships are fast diminishing. Recent research revealed that in Britain, one out of twenty grandparents is likely to have had no contact whatsoever with at least one of their grandchildren during the past five years. There are many reasons for this new distancing of generations. Sometimes, it's mere geography that keeps them apart. I recently met a woman who proudly showed me a picture of her family in Australia. Unfortunately, she told me, she hadn't ever visited them, and hadn't even seen her five-year-old granddaughter. Her son had brought over his seven-year-old son six years ago, but he hadn't had the time or money to visit since. She explained that she herself had a heart condition, which would make a long flight too risky.

The positive aspect of this story was that, however sad this situation m for both parties, there appeared to be no bitterness or resentment. But many grandparents feel quite differently. They're being forced apart from their grandchildren by less acceptable factors of modern society. Perhaps pressure of time maintains the distance. After all, nowadays, even if close extended families live within easy visiting distance, they may still not see much of each other. Parents often spend so much of their precious weekends cleaning, shopping and decorating that they hardly have time to get to know their children. Equally, the children themselves may have such a heavy weekend of programmed activity that their time is also stretched to its limits. A visit to or from grandparents feels like a luxury that no one can afford.

Another increasingly common reason for estrangement is the break-up

of family through divorce or separation. Many grandparents who consequently lose contact with their grandchildren go through a painful bereavement process, which can even lead to emotional and physical illness. This is because they never give up hope. They will not accept the finality of separation or loss. It seems that the grandparenting instinct and bond is so strong that it is rarely killed by even the most bitter family squabbles and separations.

1. Replace the words given below by the words from the text.

• valuable • varied • puzzling

• numerous • secure • simply

• hostile • dependable

2. Find these phrases in the text and, explain their meaning.

My own nest had just emptied

a sense of perspective

to put it mildly

a powerful boost of confidence

within easy visiting distance

time is also stretched to its limits

3. The writer says that 'the chances of children and grandparents having mutually satisfying relationships are fast diminishing'. Do you agree? Why/Why not? Discuss in groups.

 

READING 2

Read this newspaper article and answer the multiple choice questions.

 

"Childhood is certainly not the happiest time of your life"

It's about time somebody exploded dial ancient myth about childhood being the happiest period of your life. Childhood may certainty be fairly happy, but its greatest moments can't compare with the joy of being an adult. Who ever asked a six-year-old for an opinion? Children don't have opinions, or if they do, nobody notices. Adults choose the clothes (heir children will wear, the books they will read and the friends they will play with. Mother and father are kindly but absolute dictators. This is an adult world and though children may be deeply loved, (hey have lo be manipulated so as not to interfere too seriously with the lives of their elders and betters. The main difference between manhood and childhood is the same as the difference between independence and subjection.

For all the nostalgic remarks you hear, which adult would honestly change places with a child? Think of (he years at school: the years spent living in constant fear of examinations and school reports. Every movement you make, every thought you think is observed by some critical adult who may draw not very nice conclusions about your character. Think of the times you had to go lo bed early, do as you were told, eat disgusting stuff that was supposed to be good for you. Remember how "gentle" pressure was applied with remarks like "if you don't do as I say, I'll..."and a strict warning would follow.

Even so, these are only part of a child's troubles. No matter how kind and loving adults may be, children often suffer from terrible, illogical fears which are the result of ignorance and an inability to understand the world around them. Nothing can equal the awful fear a child may feel in the dark, the absolute horror of childish nightmares. Adults can share their fears with other adults; children face their fears alone. But the most painful part of childhood is the period when you begin to emerge from it: teenage years. Teenagers may protest violently against parental authority, but this causes them great unhappiness. There is a complete lack of self-confidence during this time. Adolescents are over-conscious of their appearance and the impression they make on others. They feel shy, awkward and clumsy. Feelings are intense and hearts easily broken. Teenagers experience moments of great excitement or b'iack despair. And through (his chaos, adulls seem to be more hostile than ever.

What a relief it is to grow up. Suddenly you regain your balance; the world opens up before you. You are free to choose; you have your own place to live in and your own money to spend. You do not have to seek constant approval for everything you do. You are no longer teased, punished or ridiculed by heartless adults because you failed lo come up lo some theoretical standard. And if on occasion you are teased, you know how to deal with it. You can simply tell other adults to go lo hell: you are one yourself.

 

1. The author argues that children can't be happy because...

1 nobody notices them.

2 they don't get enough love.

3 the best moments are still to come.

4 They are dependent on their parents.

 

2. Why do parents manipulate the life of their kids? They do not want their children...

1 lo make mistakes

2 to disturb them too much.

3 to be independent

4 to live in constant fear.

 

3. What is the life of adults like according to the author? They...

1 dream of being little again.

2 hate to remember their childhood.

3 enjoy being grown-ups.

4 want to be parents to control their kids.

 

4. Why do children feel afraid and have nightmares?

1 They do not have enough love from their parents.

2 The do not understand the world properly.

3 They have nobody to share fears with.

4 Life seems horrible to them.

 

5. The most unpleasant moments of childhood are when children are...

1 getting to know more about the world.

2 trying to be closer to the parents.

3 moving on to another life stage.

4 trying to identify themselves in the world.

 

6. Growing up presupposes...

1 getting an approval for everything you do.

2 coming up to theoretical standards.

3 being able to tease others.

4 being your own man.

 

 

READING 3

Oh No! They've Brought the Kids!

What can you do when other people's children misbehave in

your home? If their parents don't say anything, should you?

Last week, a host at her wits’ end sought help.

 

"My problem concerns children: other people's. A few years ago, some friends came for dinner, accompanied by their young son, who proceeded to pick up everything he could get his hands on, break a favourite ornament and stick his hands in the butter. His parents appeared oblivious to all this, but by the time they left, he had reduced me to a wreck. I am no longer such lose friends with the parents. I couldn't believe their complete lack of regard for my home and my feelings, and could never quite view them in the same light again. I now have children of my own and hope that when they are toddlers, they won't act up like that when we're visiting friends. But suppose they do: will I ignore it or will I reprimand them? And how would I feel if my hosts stepped in? I am sure other readers must have experienced this problem: is there a right thing to do?"

This will sound very PC, but the most practical solution is to bear in mind that children are people too. Don't think of the children of your friends as lug­gage. Think of them as guests. You want to keep them entertained, partly be­cause it is polite and partly because otherwise they may pull your house down. An adult guest who finds visiting you boring will simply leave as soon as possible and never return; a child guest won't have either option.

Scrap paper and pencils will keep most children amused for a surpris­ingly long time. Anything you possess that they can't break is always a pos­sibility. Or start a guest toy box. This doesn't need to be expensive; charity shops sell second-hand toys cheaply. Show them the box, tell them they can play with anything in it and ask them, politely, to put things back after­ wards. And if a child is already doing
things like sticking its fingers in the butter, ask it, politely, not to do so and suggest some other activity.

Keeping friends with people who now have children does require a little effort, but on the whole is worth it. The key is not to shout, scold or smack. You wouldn't do that to an adult guest; why should you do it to a guest who happens to be underage?

by Jane Carnall, Edinburgh

 

I have experienced similar dilemmas involving the children of friends. I have one particular acquaintance with a six-year-old son who (I feel) has no "social manners" whatsoever. His parents seem embarrassingly oblivious and I find myself having to bear down on him quite often!

My policy is to reprimand any child that misbehaves in my presence or in my charge. This may sound harsh - and I'm not referring to physical punishment -but if a child were to break one of my ornaments or stick his hands in the butter under my roof, I would not hesitate to say something to him and his parents. My friends with children are fully aware that I will not tolerate unnecessary behav­iour from their offspring, and will say so should the need arise, just as I would with my own four-year-old son. Over the four years, day by day, I have come to realize that children are totally unpredictable. In other words, you cannot guar­antee that your child will behave superbly on every occasion - at home or else­where. My son can be a complete angel one minute and a terror the next, and if he were to break anybody's ornaments, by accident or otherwise, he would be severely spoken to and made to apologize, no question.

In my opinion, any parent who will not accept or do something about a child's intolerable behaviour is an unwise one. No child is perfect, no parent is perfect. So it is important to realise both your own and your child's shortfalls, and accept them. And should someone else need to tell off your child for you, take it as a wake-up call to parenthood. Embarrassing as it may be to reprimand a child in public, it is part of the script.

Name and address withheld

 

It sounds as if your friends did not do enough to regulate their child's behav­iour, but also as if you were expecting too much of the child. Why did you not move the breakables out of reach for the duration of the visit? Toddlers are supposed to be curious. How much socialization can one expect of them?

Our toddler has been taught that there are certain things in our house he is not allowed to touch. This takes many reminders and much patience, but one knock-on effect is that he is used to the idea that sometimes things are prohibit­ed to him, for reasons that we always explain ("Those are Mummy's and Dad­dy's things", "That could hurt you").

When we visit, we try to "introduce" our son to the room. We go around with him, telling him what he can and can't play with, and simultaneously move out of reach anything breakable. We give him some things that are, temporarily, "his" to play with and remain on hand to remind him if he goes for things that are out of bounds. One parent does have to be "on duty" at all times - that's part of the job description they don't tell you about at antenatal classes. But toddlers are people too and respond best if treated as such.

Name and address withheld.

 

A few years ago, some friends came to stay, bringing their two extremely badly-behaved children. The parents smiled dotingly while their darlings broke my children's toys and my possessions which they'd removed from cupboards. At Christmas, I sent these children a present: a drum and a whistle each. The fact that thereafter the parents dropped all contact seemed to me a small price to pay for the satisfaction I got from this small revenge.

By Kaye McGann, Swynnerton.

 

I experienced a similar torture session to that you describe. I invited friends to supper, naming the couple only and omitting any mention of their three-year-old child who would, I thought, be in bed at that time. I was annoyed to find they had brought it along, and even more annoyed when it proceeded to throw food around, swing on my new curtains and generally court a swift death. It would not allow its parents to converse with other adults and kept up a tiresome whining until 1.30a.m. when they left. Needless to say, they were never invited again.

Ever since then, 1 swore that "my territory, my rules" would be the norm. I have no hesitation in correcting other people's children if they break my very reasonable house rules. If they interrupt while their parents are talking to me, I ask them to be quiet and wait until it's their turn to talk. Old-fashioned or repres­sive? No, simply a desire to instill civilized behaviour patterns into children whose parents either cannot or will not do it themselves.

Incidentally, I feel it is presumptuous to include one's offspring in a dinner invitation, as presumptuous as assuming one can take one's dog.

by Lyn Hannant, Bury St Edmunds

 

1. Render the 5 passages from the text using these words:

- to concern smb, to be accompanied by, a favourite ornament, to appear oblivious, lack of regard, to reprimand smb;

- practical solution, to bear in mind, to keep smb entertained, to have an option, second-hand toys, to put things back, to require an effort;

- similar dilemmas, to sound harsh, to refer to, to tolerate, to be unpredict­able, on every occasion, to be severely spoken to, to be unwise, to be embar­rassing;

- to regulate smth, breakables, to be curious, to be prohibited to smb, to be out of reach, to be "on duty", antenatal classes, to respond best, to smile doting­ly, to drop all contacts, small revenge;

- torture session, to be annoyed, to swing on the curtains, to keep up a whin­ing, to converse with other adults, needless to say, to have no hesitation in doing smth, to correct smb, patterns, to instill civilised behavior, to be pre­sumptuous.

 

2. Describe advice and revenge contained in the stories.

 

3. Which ways of treating children are preferable to you, what seems right to do? Use these words:

- to speak severely, to bear down on a child, to shout at, to sound harsh, to make smb. apologise, to scold, to correct, to smack, to reprimand, to tell smb off;

- to tolerate any behaviour, to move all breakables out of reach, to be "on duty", to teach certain things, to prohibit smth., to treat as a guest, to entertain, to treat politely.

 

4. Describe children's bad behaviour in writing.

 

 

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