Six common abbreviated warning signals

When a woman asks "What's the matter?". A man responds "I'm OK" or "It's OK.". "I know something's wrong. What is it?". "I'm fine" or "It's fine.". "But you seem upset. Let's talk.". "It's nothing.". "I want to help. I know something is bothering you. What is it?". "It's all right" or "I'm all right.". "Are you sure? Iam happy to help you.". "It's no big deal.". "But something is upsetting you. I think we should talk. ". "It's no problem.". "But it is a problem. I could help.".

When a man makes one of the above abbreviated comments he generally wants silent acceptance or space. At times like this, to avoid misinterpretation and unnecessary panic, the Venusians consulted their Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary. Without this assistance, women misinterpret these abbreviated expressions. Women need to know that when a man says "I am OK" it is an abbreviated version of what he really means, which is "I am OK because I can deal with this alone. I do not need any help. Please support me by not worrying about me. Trust that I can deal with it all by myself."

Without this translation, when he is upset and says "I am OK" it sounds to her as if he is denying his feelings or problems. She then attempts to help him by asking questions or talking about what she thinks the problem is. She does not know that he is speaking an abbreviated language. The following are excerpts from their phrase dictionary.

The Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary

"I'm OK" translated into Venusian means "I am OK, I can deal with my upset. I don't need any help, thank you."

Without this translation, when he says "I am OK" she may hear "I am not upset because I do not care" or she may hear "I am not willing to share with you my upset feelings. I do not trust you to be there for me."

"I'm fine" translated into Venusian means "I am fine because I am successfully dealing with my upset or problem. I don't need any help. If I do I will ask."

Without this translation, when he says "I am fine" she may hear "I don't care about what has happened. This problem is not important to me. Even if it upsets you, I don't care."

"It's nothing" translated into Venusian means "Nothing is bothering me that I cannot handle alone. Please don't ask any more questions about it."

Without this translation, when he says "Nothing is bothering me" she may hear "I don't know what is bothering me. I need you to ask me questions to assist me in discovering what is happening." At this point she proceeds to anger him by asking questions when he really wants to be left alone.

"It's all right" translated into Venusian means "This is a problem but you are not to blame. I can resolve this within myself if you don't interrupt my process by asking more questions or offering suggestions. Just act like it didn't happen and I can process it within myself more effectively."

Without this translation, when he says "It's all right" she may hear "This is the way it is supposed to be. Nothing needs to be changed. You can abuse me and I can abuse you" or she hears "It's all right this time, but remember it is your fault. You can do this once but don't do it again or else. "

"It's no big deal" translated into Venusian means "It is no big deal because I can make things work again. Please don't dwell on this problem or talk more about it. That makes me more upset. I accept responsibility for solving this problem. It makes me happy to solve it."

Without this translation, when he says "It's no big deal" she may hear "You are making a big deal out of nothing. What concerns you is not important. Don't overreact."

"It's no problem" translated into Venusian means "I have no problem doing this or solving this problem. It is my pleasure to offer this gift to you."

Without this translation, when he says "It's no problem" she may hear "This is not a problem. Why are you making it a problem or asking for help?" She then mistakenly explains to him why it is a problem.

Using this Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary can assist women in understanding what men really mean when they abbreviate what they are saying. Sometimes what he is really saying is the opposite of what she hears.

WHAT TO DO WHEN HE GOES INTO HIS CAVE

In my seminars when I explain about caves and dragons, women want to know how they can shorten the time men spend in their caves. At this point I ask the men to answer, and they generally say that the more women try to get them to talk or come out, the longer it takes. Another common comment by men is "It is hard to come out of the cave when I feel my mate disapproves of the time I spend in the cave." To make a man feel wrong for going into his cave has the effect of pushing him back into the cave even when he wants to come out. When a man goes into his cave he is generally wounded or stressed and is trying to solve his problem alone. To give him the support that a woman would want is counterproductive.

Now to Support a Man in His Cave

There are basically six ways to support him when he goes into his cave. (Giving him this support will also shorten the time he needs to spend alone.)

Don't disapprove his need for withdrawing.

Don't try to help him solve his problem by offering solutions.

Don't try to nurture him by asking questions about his feelings.

Don't sit next to the door of the cave and wait for him to come out.

Don't worry about him or feel sorry for him.

Do something that makes you happy.

If you need to "talk," write him a letter to be read later when he is out, and if you need to be nurtured, talk to a friend. Don't make him the sole source of your fulfillment.

A man wants his favorite Venusian to trust that he can handle what is bothering him. To be trusted that he can handle his problems is very important to his honor, pride, and self-esteem. Not worrying about him is difficult for her. Worrying for others is one way women express their love and caring. It is a way of showing love. For a woman, being happy when the person you love is upset just doesn't seem right. He certainly doesn't want her to be happy becausehe is upset, but he does want her to be happy. He wants her to be happy so that he has one less problem to worry about. In addition he wants her to be happy because it helps him to feel loved by her. When a woman is happy and free from worry, it is easier for him to come out. Ironically men show their love by not worrying. A man questions "How can you worry about someone whom you admire and trust?". Men commonly support one another by saying phrases such as "Don't worry, you can handle it" or "That's their problem, not yours" or "I'm sure it will work out.". Men support one another by not worrying or minimizing their troubles. It took me years to understand that my wife actually wanted me to worry for her when she was upset. Without this awareness of our different needs, I would minimize the importance of her concerns. This only made her more upset.

When a man goes into his cave he is generally trying to solve a problem. If his mate is happy or not needy at this time, then he has one less problem to solve before coming out. Knowing that she is happy with him also gives him more strength to deal with his problem while in the cave. Anything that distracts her or helps her to feel good will be helpful to him. These are some examples:

Read a book

Call a girlfriend for a good chat

Listen to music

Work in the garden

Write in a journal

Exercise

Go shopping

Get a massage

Pray or meditate

Go for a walk

Listen to self-improvement tapes

Take a bubble bath

Treat yourself to something delicious

See a therapist

Watch TV or a video

The Martians also recommended that the Venusians do something enjoyable. It was hard to conceive of being happy when a friend was hurting, but the Venusians did find a way. Every time their favorite Martian went into his cave, they would go shopping or out on some other pleasing excursion. Venusians love to shop. My wife, Bonnie, sometimes uses this technique. When she sees I am in my cave, she goes shopping. I never feel like I have to apologize for my Martian side. When she can take care of herself I feel OK taking care of myself and going into my cave. She trusts that I will come back and be more loving. She knows that when I go into my cave is not the right time to talk. When I begin showing signs of interest in her, she recognizes that I am coming out of the cave, and it is then a time to talk. Sometimes she will casually say, "When you feel like talking, I would like to spend some time together. Would you let me know when?" In this way she can test the waters without being pushy or demanding.